by Mj Ferruzza

Created on: February 14, 2008   Last Updated: January 15, 2009

Valentine's Day Mass-o-Cures: Words of not so much wisdom on the most celebrated day for lovers.

1. While it is Cupid who shoots arrows, it is your wife who will be the one to shoot you a dirty look after she receives your gift of potato peeling gloves. The ones you purchased from that late night TV commercial. (What? Was the ShamWow to good for her?)

2. Who reminds us to MARK our calendars for February 14th every year? HallMARK, of course! (The #1 favorite card on Valentine's Day is that little plain white one... the one that accompanies the dozen roses!)

3. Who says relationships don't bring you full circle? Two gifts handed out on Valentine's are candy and flowers. The same things you want when you were little and never see after you die. (If you forgot her flowers and the flower shop is closed, remember... cemetary flowers are never acceptable!)

4. The gift of love? A bottle of champagne and flowers. The gift of apathy a bottle of ripple and tulips (a flower with no scent). (The ripple should have been the hint!)

5. When you were in grade school you used to have a party and pass out cards. This was a tradition handed down by inebriated
uncle Dennis who used to be a card at parties and then pass out. (Makes sure his heart is still beating when he stops snoring!)

6. When love is in the air, remember... Febreze covers it before your parents get home. (There is nothing better that accounts for good behavior than accounting for all your clothes!)

7. When he told his wife that he wanted the passion and romance of his high school days, how was she to know that their date would consist of eating a bag of White Castles and making out after sneaking into the dollar movie? (White Castle hamburgers. An original ingredient used for a Dutch Oven romantic moment.)

8. Glow in the dark condoms seem like fun, but don't insist your partner bring along a black light for effect. If the light goes too black, you can assume they left. ( Now where's that remote? Bang! Ow. My knee!)

9. Hugs not drugs. She would probably prefer snuggling, then you popping a Viagra. But if you do and your erection lasts longer than 4 hours, call a doctor...or wait til sunrise, go outside, face north and explain that her gift is you... as a sundial. ("Stand in the place where you live.. now face north" ~ R.E.M song!)

10. After the planning, the flowers, the candy, the gifts, the phone calls, the love notes, the cards, the balloons, the streamers, the songs, the wine, the dinner, the dancing, the movie, the jewelry, the driving, the candles, the dessert, the kissing, the passion and all... Remember that next year you have to top it. (Or maybe a new receivee?)

Remember, the day celebrates the heart. But since the heart looks nothing like a Valentine, anything you do come up with should be acceptable. But if you are all alone and start to feel sad and detatched like last Christmas... go out and buy a Snickers bar for the one you love best... you!

Learn more about this author, Mj Ferruzza.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.