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TOP TEN HINTS FOR MAKING THE MOST OF ST. VALENTINE"S DAY

for the ladies:

5. Take advantage of the St. Valentine cloak of anonymity. Send nasty greetings to the people you dislike, and nice ones to your buddies. Just be careful you don't get the two mixed up! To protect yourself from retaliation, wear latex gloves when preparing your Valentines, and avoid depositing your DNA on them. With so many people watching CSI these days, better safe than sorry.

4. Send yourself a dozen roses, or whatever you can afford, "from a secret admirer". That will pique the interest of your Sweetie, and might even motivate him to try to trump that ace.

3. Send yourself a suggestive singing telegram at your workplace. Act surprised, and wonder out loud which of your friends could possibly have done such a thing. That will make your associates wonder what you're been up to, and distract them from those silly rumours that are circulating about you and your cat.

2. This is THE perfect opportunity to abstain from any unnecessary activities, like cooking, cleaning, laundry and child care. Read some sleazy romances instead and see if you can pick up any pointers. After all, this is the day of LOVE! (Be sure to make your baby-sitting and dinner reservations well in advance.)

1. Even if you are not in a committed relationship, today is YOUR day to feel special and make others feel special. Buy yourself whatever you want. What could be more romantic than that?

for the gentlemen

5. Buy a single rose, tie a fancy bow around the stem, and present it with a flourish, preferably on bended knee. That's much more cost-effective than buying a big flower arrangement, and some women actually prefer it. See hint #1.

4. Buy fine chocolate in a heart-shaped box. If she starts wailing about calories, look in her eyes and tell her that she is your goddess, and you hate to see her deny herself anything. See hint #1.

3. This is a great time to surprise your sweetheart with an engagement ring, an eternity ring, a heart-shaped locket, or a sentimental figurine. You will get bonus points if you present it in some creative way. Do not hide jewelry in food or drink! There is nothing less romantic than an emergency visit to the dentist with broken tooth or waiting for a swallowed piece of jewelry to clear the colon. See hint #1.

2. Make dinner reservations at the fanciest place you can afford and wear appropriate clothing. Even if you feel uncomfortable, it's worth it. See hint #1.

1. SEX! With all that romance, can sex be far behind?

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