by Marie Tomas

Created on: February 13, 2008

Has anyone noticed how many TV commercials there are for prescription drugs? Pills for everything: Sleeping, walking, dieting, snoring, depression, constipation, sex. Oftentimes, however, the side effects are far more lethal than the disease or condition itself.
Take for instance the anti-depression medication commercials, in which, over cheery music, they rattle off a litany of nasty side effects. But, hey! Nothing in life comes without risk. And they guarantee, after taking their product, that you'll be cured of your depression, but with one teensy weensy little problem: You may experience dry mouth and drowsiness and oh, yeahsuicidal tendencies. SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. In other words, taking this medication can give you an overwhelming urge to hurl yourself into an active volcano or do the hokey-pokey with a grizzly. But what the heckyour depression will be cured. More happy music.

Then there's the sleep medication, depicted by a little blue butterfly fluttering around a woman's head as she serenely drifts off to Never Never Land. And here comes the side effects, Drowsiness. Weakness. Inability to operate machinery. WHAT MACHINERY? I can barely operate my electric toothbrush. And if I'm going to be drowsy AFTER I take this medication, why then am I taking the medication to start with? I want a good night's sleep so that I can feel peppy. And if I'm drowsy, how can I be peppy? Can someone please tell me.
And let us not forget the ever popular sex enhancers, such as Viagra and Cialis, which will perk up your lower extremity (commonly referred to as ED, or Empty Dingaling) thus drastically improving your fading sex life. But waithere comes the warnings: Do not take this product if you are taking heart medication or are too old and feeble to have sex. Now I ask you, who are more likely to be taking this medication? Twenty, thirty and forty-year olds? Recipients of these drugs are usually grandfathers. Grandfathers with pacemakers and wills. Not some young stud. Oh, well. And once all systems are GO what about your partner? What's the guarantee that he or she will be in the mood?
(him;an urgent look) "I took the pill, baby, let's get it on."
(her) "I can't, I just did my nails."
So now you're walking around with this BIG problem and your mother-in-law comes to visit and eyes you suspiciously. Or your kids come home early from school and want to know why Daddy is walking funny.
Then they further admonish: "If your erection should last more than four hours, or you experience the onset of blindness or deafness, go to the nearest hospital." So now you're ready, willing and able, but you're too blind and too deaf to find your partner. More cheery music.
What about the pill that promises to flush out all your fat. Leaving you lean, toned and gorgeous. Sounds hard to believe. But assuming it does flush out, will you deflate like a huge lawn balloon? And what about diet pills which can cause heart failure and stroke, leaving you with diapers and a three word vocabulary.
Last, but certainly not least is the ever popular Celebrex, which sounds like celebrate and promises to cure you of arthritic pains and aches, but here comes the bad news. The side effects of this little beauty can leave you with a severely damaged liver and kidneys. hemorrhaging and oh, yeah, death. But guess what? Your pains and aches will be gone. Unfortunately, so will you. Sigh.

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