Pain

Every cell within me vibrates,
quaking to a beat of its own creation,
jangling, rattling, pounding, sparking, throbbing, aching -
Looking at me, you may not see those disruptions.
You can not know how it feels to live each day
fully cognizant that it is on borrowed time
as those who do not feel such vibrant discord can forget.

You can not know what it means
to constantly have to deny your children
because you lack the stamina, energy, capacity
or to start a task only to have to stop in mid-stream
because your energy fails . . .
or to be forced to accept the services of others
because you can not do it yourself.
Feeling humbled, ashamed, embarrassed,
needing to strip yourself of pride
because it no longer has a place in your life.

Within this ravaged body and damaged mind
a soul resides - a gift from the Creator
with a purpose to fulfill.
I may be damaged, but I am not destroyed.
I am not sure of my destiny
or how I am going to get there,
but those decisions are mine to make.
I may ask for your input, but it is still my life to live.

I may rage against my limitations at times
but they force me to examine my life strategies,
to distill my needs and wants to their essences
to extract what is imperative and let go the rest.
It is hard work, and I do not have the luxury
of putting it off because I need to face my challenges
and not retreat from life.

I have gained much from those who were not "the norm" -
and my life has become a tapestry filled with beautiful colors,
unusual patterns, and grand diversity.
I was given the burden and gift of my disabilities.
The Creator knows why I was chosen to carry this burden.
I can rage against it or accept it -
the path I tread is narrower, less used,
full of bumps, roots that trip, holes to fall in . . .
but I choose to believe that the roughest paths
are often closest to the Creator,
and as they are not crowded by others,
you can revel in the beauty that is close at hand.
I need to remember that when the way is dark -
to sustain me until again I reach the light.

So as your eyes slide across my face,
trying to appear not to see what is so obviously there,
embarrassed by what meet your eyes,
Stop - have the integrity to meet me on my terms,
to open your mind to the possibilities fo my reality,
to understand I had no choice in the creation of my disability,
but I do have a choice in how live with it,
and it is My choice, not yours to make.

Please, welcome me into your heart.
Try to place yourself within my skin for just a moment.
The way I approach my life may be radically different
than how you live yours -
the Creator has blessed us with infinite choices,
a world of wonderful people,
and a wealth of role models to learn from.
I welcome you to walk beside me along my path -
in kinship and fellowship
to see first hand the beauty within each soul.

Learn more about this author, Debbie Kerr.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

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