3 of 9

Write now Article Tools

With over half of today's marriages ending in divorce, blended families are not only becoming increasingly common, but often just as prevalent as 'intact' families. Generally, children of divorce have been traditionally regarded as having the most difficult role within a blended family. However, a simple look at the facts reveals that it may actually be the stepmother who needs the most support in her new role.

Women - whether rightly or wrongly - still bear the cultural burden of being more responsible for parenting and/or child-rearing within a household. Many fathers, being a single head of household after a divorce, are excited and relieved to have their new partner assume some of those tasks within the home, and as part of the family, that may be a fair expectation. It is exactly this role, however, that many children resent. They see some new woman usurping their mother's 'rightful' place, instead of a wife trying to help out her new husband with his domestic responsibilities. Unlike new stepfathers - who generally aren't expected to take on a strong parenting role with their stepchildren - stepmothers are more prone to these "You're not my mom!" outbursts.

Stepmothers also will face the prospect of having to deal with the children's biological mother, their husband's former partner. (Unless of course, she marries a widower; in that case, the new stepmother will have a whole host of other issues with which to struggle.) Women, more so than men, tend to be territorial and possessive when it comes to children and former partners. While stepfathers may feel no stress in dealing with a wife's ex-husband - or no need to deal with him at all, for that matter - such interactions can become dreaded for a woman in the same position. Does the ex still bitter over the divorce? Does she resent letting another woman help raise her children? Does she still want to have control over her ex-husband's life? A yes to any of these questions can make even the most confident stepmother cringe in fear.

But, what is the solution? SUPPORT FROM YOUR HUSBAND. As a stepmother with two years' experience, I can easily say that the best thing a new stepmother can have is the support of her partner. Husbands need to realize that they are the ones who brought their wife into the blended family, and that they are the ones that set the tone for how she is to be treated and respected. He is the one who must set boundaries with his ex. He is the one who needs to explain to his children that their stepmother is an adult, has an equal say in the house, and that he backs her decisions 100%. With a united front, the rigors of stepmotherhood aren't as bad as many people might believe.

Stepmothers have gotten a bad reputation from fairy tales like Snow White and Cinderella. Thankfully, we've come a long way. As stepmothers become more and more common, we need to educate ourselves on exactly how stepmothers need to be supportive to be successful in this very difficult role within the blended family.

Learn more about this author, Erin St John.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Why stepmothers need more support?
We want to hear your view. Write now!