Tis the season to be jolly bah humbug !
Sunday morning (first in the month) went to pick a real tree with my eldest son (6).

Have you ever wondered where they all come from ? On the 30/11 there are none to be seen, the on the 01/12 everywhere is selling them, it must be a special forces type operation to sneak all this wood land under cover of darkness to every garden centre, florist, DIY chain, farm, and petrol station. Basically anywhere with some land to stack them up is selling trees. AND they are all the same price some dodgy price fixing cartel going on here or what ? Anyway I digress.

My son was going to bring back the perfect tree for his mum, and my 2 year old daughter was coming along for the ride as she was causing too much trouble in the house. We went to a trusted source of tree, the site of an old garage on the sea front. We pulled up at the garage forecourt just as the heavens opened. Good start !
Now to pick the tree, and although my son was adamant he was picking the tree, I knew as the "responsible" adult, I would get it in the neck if it was not suitable. So short fat bushy tree or taller slender more acute angled thing ? Ceiling is high, although in the bay not as high, but this rules out the short one (and they were so bushy you would have difficulty hanging decorations from them !), so tall one then. Still took the best part of 10 mins to pick one, as the tall ones were sparse and gappy at the top of the tree.
In the end we pick the one my son had initially wanted so he was happy, and luckily enough at this point so too was his mum.

It turned out buying the tree was going to be the easy part.

The tree stand is solid metal bucket type base with 4 bolts which screw through it to support the tree. So saw a little off the tree, so it can drink, stand it in the base, then tighten the bolts. It was at this point that I realised that the wood cutter responsible for felling this tree, had not followed his standard operating procedures ! The trunk had bits sliced out of it on one side, so one of the bolts did not tighten properly ! Tree seemed secure, thought nothing of the dodgy trunk/ bolt, and moved onto the next nightmare, the lights from last year !

WHY WILL I NEVER LEARN ! Or may be I'm at work when the lights are taken down and I can blame someone else.
One set of lights were nicely wrapped round a magazine, so unwound easily and onto the tree easily. The other set were a tangled knotted mess ! It took an hour to free them, although it felt like longer with the added pressure of , "Dad, Dad, can we decorate the tree yet ?" The boys had been told to wait until the lights were on before they could decorate the tree, the constant questions were almost as bad as calls of "are we there yet ?"

Next task was get, the raging bull (replace china shop with tree), of a two year old, daughter out of the house so the boys could do the tree.
Apparently 5 mins after I had left the house, the tree and the stand stopped being friends and it began to keel over !
The 4th bolt strikes back !
Unfortunately I was trying to be helpful and stayed out for an hour (and had left my mobile phone in the house), so when I returned my wife was far from pleased as she had been stood there, hanging onto the tree, for the whole time whilst the boys decorated it.

There is, she feels, some justice in the world ! I spent some time lying on the ground, under the tree, reaching round adjusting, tweaking, and re-tightening. I now have carpet burns on each arm, from the constant bolt (un) screwing.

No Pain, No Gain, my burnt arms ensured the tree stayed in place through out Christmas.

Learn more about this author, George Goodall.
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