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Almost No Christmas

The Elvin influenza
Struck without warning
Just three days before
Christmas morning

Not one Elf was working
The shops were all empty
Sick in their beds
With fevers and sweating

Even Santa fell ill
Threw up in his sack
The reindeers were groggy
Poor Rudolph collapsed

The north pole lay quiet
Unknown to the world
There was going to be no presents
For the good boys and girls

Mrs. Clause cooked up
Some chicken noodle soup
But all that did
Was make Santa poop

Coughing and sneezing
The poor elves felt defeated
They couldn't give the big man
The help that he needed

Children so merry
Sang lovely carols
Hadn't a clue
Of forthcoming peril

Chimneys extinguished
Cookies spread out
The sleigh unprepared
The village shut down

Tucked into bed
Sheets drawn real tight
Dreams to be had
Of marvelous sights

Of presents strewn
Under the tree
Of Eggnog and songs
with family

Of sweaters with snowman
Of brand new toys
The dreams kept on coming
To good girls and boys

Mrs. Clause was so upset
She fuddled though her purse
Found her cell phone
And called a special nurse.

A candy cane helicopter
Flew to New Jersey
And picked up an RN
Named Nurse Kelly

Nurse Kelly hadn't
Believed in St. Nick
She thought Mrs. Clause was crazy
When she said Santa was sick

It took some convincing
When Nurse Kelly said no
Mrs. Clause told a story
Of a stethoscope

It was had been twenty years
Since she last made a list
Since she stood in front of a pine
And made a wish

She had seen many suffer
From various diseases
That she swore off Christmas
Santa and Jesus

Now in this hour
With the North pole dismayed
Nurse Kelly could not
Let the holiday fade

Into the copter went the RN
Along with her medical bag
To save this Christmas
from being toe-tagged

She provided the Elves
With some penicillin
And after some juice
The reindeers were chillin'

She hooked up Santa
To an foley and an I.V.
Sponged his head softly
And laid him down comfortably

She checked his blood pressure
And monitored his heart
Didn't act embarrassed
When he let out a fart

In her care
he quickly rejuvenated
He dashed toward the sleigh
The village was elated

In a tight squeeze
It came down to the wire
Everyone loved Santa
But it was the nurse he admired

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