by Lisa H Warren

Created on: February 12, 2008

There are two types of whining children do. There is the whining some children do when they're truly miserable; then there is the whining they do when they have simply gotten into the habit of whining.

The first type of whining can occur when children are miserable but are not the kind of children who are comfortable seeming demanding. In their efforts to express their misery without sounding demanding, their "nice" complaining amounts to whining.

Sometimes this type of whining comes when kids are, say, under seven or so. They're still young enough to have trouble graciously dealing with their misery (hungry, cold, hot, tired, bored, etc.). Older kids are better able to deal with discomfort and express it in normal conversation. Younger kids are just more immature about being gracious in times of misery. Confident and assertive adults know exactly how to politely express something that isn't positive, but children (especially those who are very gentle, polite, and respectful)don't always have the social skill of being able to walk that fine line between expressing something negative without seeming too impolite.

Kids who are genuinely miserable (and of a certain age) are mature enough not to cry, but they're not mature enough to be cool about their discomfort. Sometimes, too, there is more than one thing bothering a child, and it just gets the best of them. A tired kid is more likely to whine about shoes that hurt than a non-tired kid is. There's also the gifted child factor. Gifted kids are sensitive and tend to be miserable about some things (threads in socks, crowds, bright sun in the eyes, etc.)more than other kids may be.

Very often whining happens when parents don't address the child's need the first couple of time the child expresses it. I've always had a certain amount of patience with whining because I figure the alternatives (for the kid who feels so miserable he can't keep cool any longer) are demanding, nagging, crying, or giving up and just feeling unattended.

Then, too, there are times when parents aren't very quick to respond to a child's needs. Children who are left to feel frustrated too often or too long can develop a "low frustration tolerance", which means they're less and less able to deal with frustrations. Kids sometimes learn that the only way to get a parent's attention is to whine too.

The second type of whining goes on when kids have gotten in the habit of just whining instead of talking, so then they whine even when they're not genuinely miserable. Super Nanny, Jo Frost, recommends parents talk in the same voice as whiners do when this is the case; and it isn't for me to question her approach. She makes a joke of it, and the kids laugh. Still, if parents do this when a child is legitimately miserable it isn't good for a child to have his misery met with joking and being mocked. I suppose sometimes parents can tell if its misery or habit by what the issue is. If a kid whines, "I'd like to go to camp next summer" that's habit. If, instead, the whine is, "I'm thirsty" that's misery.

As aggravating as some people find whining to be, I think parents need to be careful not to respond to it with impatience. Then what you have is a child who is miserable enough to whine, but who has his expression of his need met with impatience. Maybe a calm, cool, discussion (when everyone is happy) would be a first step in reducing whining.

Of course, for a lot of six-year-olds, whining just kind of comes naturally and will be outgrown.

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