by Trenna Sue Hiler

Created on: February 12, 2008

Parents don't want to have the role reversal that sometimes comes with age. All of sudden it seems like their children are taking care of them. The key is to give them dignity and independence and yet make a difference in small ways where you can and when you can.

~ Snail Mail ~
A letter or card in the mail is an easy thing to do and a delight for elderly couples. It really doesn't have to say much and it's OK to send one even if you live next door or across the street. It's the fact that they made it to the mailbox and were rewarded with a personal note. It's the fact that you took some time, picked out a card and mailed it.

~ Strategic Drop In ~
At least once a week plan the strategic drop in. You are on your way to the post office to pay your bills (even if you pay on line) and you want to know if they have anything they would like you to drop off as well. Often times this is a way to remind them about monthly bills without taking over. Make sure you have plenty of time to let them sift through their paper work if they need to do so.

~ Include Them ~
Include them in family events, shopping trips, and social occasions that they are able to participate in. My mother can only handle about five minutes in a grocery store now. It's important to get to the store, pick up the one item she needs, and get out the door. Why is it so important? She needs to get out of the house and accomplished something. Her self worth may depend on small activities like this. The other essentials can be purchased by some one else at another time.

Adjust family times so they are able to participate. Family dinner may have to happen a little earlier. Maybe the menu has to have some variety to meet their dietary requirements. I often put something in their slow cooker in the morning so they can bring something to donate to the dinner. A matinee may be better than an evening movie. Breakfast may have to happen at 5:30 am when they get up. Don't be afraid to make some changes on occasion to make it easy for them.

~ Listen ~
You know that story. You have heard it 1000 times. Listen to it at least 1000 more times. Be patient with it. Let them tell it as long as it takes. Hold your tongue and don't fill in the blanks or finish the sentences for them. Just listen. They need to be the center of attention and be heard.

~ Give Them the Opportunity to Parent ~
Ask their advice on small decisions they can make. It can be a basic as which color shirt do you think looks best on me or do you think it's time to get my hair cut. Who do you think I should vote for? What kind of a car is most reliable? You don't always have to follow their advice, but let them have parenting time and give you advice.

~ Deal With Their Memory Loss ~
If they call you the wrong name, don't always correct them. It just doesn't matter most of the time. If you start talking about an experience and they say "I wasn't there." Let it go and focus on something they can see or do now. They can not be forced to remember things that are not there any longer.

~ Safety ~
Safety is a must and can not be compromised. Do what ever it takes to give them a safe environment.

The bottom line to this whole issue is love, patience and respect. If you can keep these as your focus you will "be there" for your parents.

Learn more about this author, Trenna Sue Hiler.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.