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Acceptance

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As an adoptee in a closed adoption, and a birthmother in an open adoption, I think that open adoption aids in the acceptance for the child, since his or her questions can be answered. The mystery of "Who is my birthmother?" and all of the questions that surround the adoption are answered. The speculation, fantasy and elusiveness are not an issue when the answers are available. The desire to search for your birthmother is not as intense when you know what she looks like or why she chose to place you for adoption.

As an adoptee, I did ultimately reunite with my birthmother, and the questions I had were answered. She was only 17 when I was born, and my birthfather didn't feel like he had a choice in the matter. When I saw her picture, I discovered that our eyes both crinkle up when we smile, and found that we have the same build. She never went on to have more children, but is married to a man who had three from a previous marriage.

However, in going through this reunion process, I was not quite prepared for the Pandora's Box that was opened. You can't go back once you embark on this journey, and although my reunion ultimately turned out ok, there was a lot of stress along the way. My original intent was for information. What did she look like? What was her medial history? I was not fully prepared for the relationship that she wanted to pursue. I had my family. I have wonderful parents who love me and have raised me well. There would only be one "Mom" in my life. The situation did work out. We have each found our place within the relationship, and established boundaries, but it was sometimes a hard road to navigate.

As a birthmother, I was able to hand pick the parents for my son, meet them before the birth, and get answers to all of my questions. Likewise, they were able to get to know me a little bit, understand what a difficult decision this was for me, and why I had chosen to make an adoption plan. I was able to write a letter to my son and let him know how much I loved him and the reasons behind my decision. We continue to keep in contact, and my hope is that having these answers available to him will help with some of the questions he will inevitably have.

I guess I can't speak for the child I placed for adoption, and whether or not the openness has helped him accept that fact. However, coming from a side without openness, I feel that the road would have been a little less rocky if some of those questions had been answered early on.

Learn more about this author, Jennifer Williamson.
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