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Reflections: on Reflecting

I made a decision while I had a week off from school, I would take time to write at least four or five articles on issues that need some reflecting on my part. I have been on a personal journey to eliminate past memories or thought patterns that are holding me back and blocking me from moving forward in areas that are important.

The thing about reflecting is where do you start? Sometimes life dictates you reflect on things and determine where you are, where you are going, and most of all what do we let go of? I have always felt that my letting go of past issues that were hurtful, seem to be a non-stop process. Do I truly have that many issues to reconcile?

Sadly, some of us do have many issues to purge. My spiritual and emotional journey has led me down a path of, "Oh, I can't believe I am still holding on to that?" Some of these issues are so sub-conscious that until a certain thing happens or is said, you do not realize that you are still holding on to that memory.

For instance, this morning the memory of an ex-boyfriend and our affair resurfaced to haunt me. How we met, how he chased me until I gave in, our closeness, and finally the break-up. A whole range of emotions surged through me in about 30 minutes time. As I sit here writing, I feel those emotions swirling around inside me like a whirlpool, churning and my guess is there is something I need to reflect on and make peace with. The truth is I do not know if I ever did make peace with that relationship.

It was bitter-sweet and never has felt as if there had been any closure to our eight month to two year struggle to let go of each other. What is crazy is that relationship "ended" four years ago. I moved out of state, he was engaged to his best friend's sister (this would be his fifth wife); do not know if the marriage ever happened? In fact, whenever I talk to anyone back home, I do not get any news about him at all. So, why this particular morning I am barraged with memories of him and the relationship that had so many ups and downs you would get noxious? The answer is because somewhere deep down I have not let go of some aspect of the hurt, joy, sadness, anger, or longing of him. What part do I need to reflect on, though? Sadness, I never have dealt with the sadness of parting with him.

Reflecting on my being sad that we are no longer together or could make a go of the relationship means I am holding on to emptiness, not feeling whole without him. I need to let go of the thought that says, "He was my one and only true love." A juvenile way of thinking I know, but we all go through it when dealing with one special relationship in our life. What is sad is I am 45 years old.

Reflecting on past relationships shows us where we have truly grown or not grown spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. If we go back to the title of this article Reflections on reflecting, we could say I just did so and identified what I need to make peace with. I need to make peace with the sadness and let go of what does not serve a purpose in my life in the here and now. I need to work with those feelings and release them one by one and thank my Father in Heaven, along with my angels and guides for the lessons that came along with the relationship and why it ended. Reflections, what wonderful tools they can be to us.

Learn more about this author, Bonnie Cameron.
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