by Vicki Phipps

Created on: February 11, 2008

Why it's wise to think before we speak should be obvious, but sometimes we open our mouths without thinking, obviously. That's why it might be a good idea to learn the art of these three things before we say anything. It will probably be difficult to do in the beginning. After all, we are so accustomed to talking off the top of our heads, that it will take time to practice another way to communicate. Even so and even though it will be the hardest thing you ever try to do, the more you practice these things, the better your relationships will be.

1. The Art of Listening

When someone is speaking to you, take a moment to think, "What are they saying to me?" That simple and quick question will give you a clue as to what you should do, which will be not to speak when someone is talking to you. Soon, you'll keep your mouth shut all the time and never interrupt. You'll also find the answer to, "What are they saying to me," so much sooner than you used to.

I used to interrupt my husband all the time, and especially during an argument when what he said didn't seem to make sense. He'd say some stupid thing, and it triggered a thought in my mind that seemed to explode and be thrown out of my mouth before I was ever able to defuse the explosion in time. By the way, explosions create distruction to a marriage too. Once the explosion had burned itself out, I accused him of not being a good communicator.

I resolved this communication issue by using behavior modification techniques on myself. I'd place my tongue between my teeth, with my lips completely closed, and bite down as hard as I could. This technique did two things to help me and my husband communicate more effectively.

A) I can't interrupt when I'm biting my tongue.
B) The pain distracts me from all thoughts of what I'm going to say when he finally shuts up.

2. The Art of Thinking

Remember this: Thoughts become things.

Every time we open our mouths, what we say becomes ,"a thing," that can and often does manifest into something that might surprise you. For example, A friend of mine once blurted out before she thought of what she was saying, " I hate this house so much that I wish it would burn to the ground." Guess what? It did, accidentally of course, but the reality is that the way we think of things can create our reality. If we hate where we live so much that we won't take care of our house, it could be that we leave so much clutter around that it becomes a fire trap and will burn to the ground.

Before we speak to someone

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