by Kim Remesch

Created on: October 31, 2006   Last Updated: April 20, 2007

The Family Secret

"On the day my father would get his paycheck, he often just didn't come home. When he finally did come home-in a cab the next day-he wouldn't know where the car was," recounts Ann, whose childhood memories revolved around life with an alcoholic. "After one of those nights out," she continues, "he would literally have his pockets inside out."

Despite the frequency of these benders, no one knew about her father's alcoholism. Ann's mother made excuses to the public at large, while the subject was never discussed within the family. In essence, the problem didn't exist. Ann explains, "You get the message, without ever being told, that it is a family secret. Don't talk about it. We didn't."
Don't talk. Don't feel. Don't trust. These are the rules by which an alcoholic's family lives. And these rules follow the children of alcoholics into adulthood. Consider these facts:
Children of alcoholics have a 40 percent chance of becoming alcoholics themselves. Whether a physical predisposition exists is uncertain, but according to statistics, growing up in an alcoholic home itself encourages alcoholism or a propensity to marry an alcoholic.
Most child incest victims are from alcoholic households.
Two thirds of the children of alcoholics have either been abused or have witnessed the abuse of another family member.
To deal with such harsh realities, children of alcoholics assume certain roles with remarkable universality. While the circumstances differ, the feelings are universal. These roles: Family hero, mascot, scapegoat, and lost child-are roles adaptive roles the children had which no longer fit, but persist into adulthood.
Family Hero: The key word to this role is over achievement. As adults, they are never satisfied with what they are able to do, even if they have superlative achievements. Ultimately, this leads to early burnout, stress and a feeling of being driven when you don't know why.
The Scapegoat: As a child, he gets into one scrape after another in an attempt to take the focus off of the alcoholic parent.
The Mascot: The mascot tries to be the emotional wick of the family, bringing sensitivity, caring and humor whenever possible.
The Lost Child: He is an invisible child. This is about as it sounds. Here is a typical scene: The son asks for permission to sleep at a friend's house. The dad okays the plan, then takes to drinking. The son goes in to pack. When he comes out of his room with his backpack, the father says, "Where are you going?" The Lost Child

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