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It is apartment 3-B and the name on the lease reads, Mrs. Winifred Cuthbert.

Winnie, as she's known to friends and family, is a dowager. A widow, entitled as such back in 1974 when her husband of 17 years ran off with his much younger secretary. Ever the prideful woman, Winnie can't admit she's divorced. She even went so far as to purchase a lovely little urn to convince visitors of her widowhood. She keeps it on the mantle near a picture of her beloved Alfred. What's in the urn? A bent paper clip, matchbook and the silica-like contents of two Etch-A-Sketches.

Winnie is nothing if not thorough in ALL her ruses.

But the gist of this post, Dear Reader, isn't about Winnie, her pride or her failed marriage. It's about her refrigerator. It's an old, two door model-now approaching 18 years of dutiful service in Winnie's kitchen. It shimmies and shakes constantly and has been on it's last leg now for 12 of those years, but because it was the last purchase she and Alfred made as husband and wife, Winnie can't part with it. And if she knew what happened in her refrigerator every night, she'd never, ever want to part with it.

You see, Winnie's Amana is a magic refrigerator.

Late at night, incredible things happen throughout the fridge, especially in the vegetable crisper drawer.

crisperdrawers.jpg

Our story takes place circa January, 2003.

There's a cucumber, an onion (which by the way, has been voted Head Veggie), a carrot, a small jar of minced garlic, a half a head of lettuce and a squash and on this particular night, they're discussing the current politically charged climate inside the old Amana.

Things are very tense.

Let's follow along:

CARROT: OK everyone! Everyone! Please take your places here in the drawer. Let's begin tonight's State of the Onion address.

ONION: Thanks carrot...and welcome all veggies. Tonight, the topic I'll be discussing might be alarming and frightening to some of you. It would seem that the very peace of this great refrigerator nation of ours is in great jeopardy. Right now, we're safe in the confines of our crisper drawer, but one drawer over- in Meats and Deli, an evil foe is threatening our very existence. Intelligence indicates that tyrannical dictator, Salami Hussein has already killed countless curds.

GARLIC: Mr. Onion, you....you can't mean...not the Cottage Cheese? I just spoke with him last week. How tragic! His expiration date wasn't up for days!

ONION: Indeed. We also have reports that Salami committed this heinous crime using weapons of mash

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