When I saw this title I just knew I had to write about my experiences with this topic. I have been supporting my mother and my mother-in-law in very different ways as they work through (or refuse to work through) their grief processes.

My mother-in-law lost her eldest son and her husband within a few months of each other. I remember walking into her house and feeling physically ill at the sight of this strong and confident woman reduced to heart wrenching and uncontrollable sobbing and screaming. Her pain was so physically visible it still brings goosebumps to me as I write this.

All we could do was hold her and speak soothingly until the doctor came to sedate her. At the time I had just turned twenty and my husband and I had only been dating a short while, but my mother-in-law to be and I had become quite close. It was frightening to see the change in her, and one thing I can say for sure to anyone who is supporting a parent through the loss of a spouse (or a child) is not to expect them to ever be the person they once were. This is something that time will change, but something that will never quite completely heal. Unfortunately for her alcohol is a great escape, though she has moved on now after ten years with a new partner.

I guess this experience was a lesson to prepare me for what was to come later in my life. Three years ago we lost my step-father to a sudden heart attack. He was only 43 and had practically raised me as a father would from the time I was 12. I walked into my Mum's house just after midnight in late January to a scene I will never forget.

The paramedics were working on my step-father in the bedroom, highlighted by the flashing lights of the ambulance through the window. My mother was in the kitchen, keening and physically doubled over with pain and grief. We knew that he was gone before we were told the news at the hospital a few hours and a lifetime later.

Its hard becoming the parent for your parent when you are grieving too. I took charge, and called the people who needed to be called. Later that night I slept (or rather lay, not sleeping) in bed with my mother as she tossed and turned and finally went outside. I washed the dishes and made the food and was hugged until I was bruised.

Later, when the funeral was over and life had to begin again I was there as my mother went through disbelief and anger and guilt and then back again. I took her to the doctor as she experienced panic attacks and depression and took her shopping to get her out of the house.

Three years on it is getting easier, but I know she will never be the person she once was. I have held her hand and listened and given advice and been yelled at when she was angry. Now it is time for me to let her walk on her own. She knows that I will always be there for her, but it is time for me to live my life now and let her learn to live hers again.

When you lose a parent it can feel like you are losing two parent and becoming the parent yourself. Make time to give yourself a break. Get counseling if you need it, and make sure there is someone to look after you too. Give yourself time to grieve, then give yourself and your parent the space and time to move on. the last thing your dearly departed would want is for you to not be living in this life - so make the most of the time you have here on Earth, it's the best gift you can give them and yourself!

Learn more about this author, Heidi Heywood.
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