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Parents should never allow their egos to become wrapped up in their child. Many parents measure their own value and success by their children's successes and failures. Children behaving like children, not hitting milestones early enough, or not living up to a parent's unrealistic expectations, can be devastating to these parents and to the healthy development of their kids. The parent becomes focused on what the child can do versus on who the child is.

A perfect example of a parent never satisfied with her son's accomplishments was the mother of a preteen tennis player. When complimented by another mother about her son's skills, the tennis player's mother responded through clenched teeth, "Well, he's no Roger Federer." (She was referring to the number one tennis player in the world, a living legend, and perhaps the greatest player in history.)

The mother's response was typical of a parent desperate for her child to astonish and dazzle the world. Her expectations were destructive to herself and to her child. Her comparison robbed her of the joy of watching her son play, and because even Meryl Streep isn't a good enough actress to hide the kind of disappointment the mother was feeling, this child's self-esteem was most likely suffering as a result of her conditional love.

The other side of the coin is the parent who takes all of the credit for the child's success and creates an entire identity around that child. This parent yearns for an exceptional child. The parent is special because the child is special. The child becomes responsible for the parents feelings of self-worth.

It is important for parents to disentangle their egos from their parenting. As soon as the umbilical cord is cut, children begin their own journey through life and even though hands on, attentive parenting is vital to their growth, children deserve to own both their disappointments and successes. Parents are then able to comfort, encourage, applaud, feel pride and express love.

Taking parenting personally can also make parenting much harder. Unable or unwilling to see the child realistically, the parent misses what skills, manners and behaviors need work, and then the parent gets frustrated and confused when the child acts out. "But my child is gifted, why is he unable to potty train? I must be a bad mother."

Recently a very well known parenting expert was quoted in the New York Times, "The thing about toddlers is that they are uncivilized," Dr. Karp says. "Our job is to civilize them, to teach

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