by Todd Pheifer

Created on: February 09, 2008

Every relationship has their share of conflicts and differences of opinion. The strength of the relationship is often determined by how those involved deal with conflict and how they find resolution or compromise. Of course, conflict comes in many forms and spans a number of issues. Sometimes when new issues develop or a habit ceases to be endearing and becomes annoying, a person will "complain" to the other person in the relationship. In theory, this can be constructive because it verbalizes issues, but there are good ways and bad ways to complain. Here are a few thoughts on complaints and how they impact relationships.

PICK YOUR BATTLES

In every relationship there are things worth fighting for and there are things that are probably not worth the conflict. Before complaining, it is best to evaluate whether or not it is really worth the argument. Just because you think the issue is "important" doesn't mean that you can't still let it go. Many people get to the point in a relationship where they know the other person pretty well. Therefore, oftentimes a person knows which things are worth complaining about, and which things have been addressed in the past. Picking on things over and over again can erode the relationship over time if they continue to be unresolved for either party.

BE CONSTRUCTIVE

If complaints must be made, find ways to make them constructive. In other words, don't just say, "I really hate it when you do this". Complaints without construction have the potential to instantly put the other person on the defensive, which means that your "suggestion" may not be taken with an open mind. Instead of simply complaining, suggest a way that the person can improve the area of complaint. Or, offer to help them in some way so that there can be mutual benefit. Granted, this is easier said than done sometimes, particularly with bigger issues. However, it is the same in relationships as it is in business. If you don't like something, that is fine. But, if you can't come up with a better solution that makes sense for all parties, it is best to keep your complaint to yourself until you can come up with a better solution. Also, your tone, body language, and context can make a world of difference in terms of how your complaint is received.

Complaining is one way that people deal with dissatisfactions in relationships. If complaints are not delivered tactfully and sensitively, they can begin to chip away at the stability of the relationship and cause deeper conflict. Remember that not all complaints need to be voiced, and not all concerns have to sound like complaints.

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