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a relative, close friend, or counselor right away.

3. From Complaints to Discussions

When your complaints are recurring or show signs of a deeper problem, you should take the time to discuss them. Find a time when you both are free to talk without distraction. Start by explaining that something is bothering you, and that you'd like to work on it together.

The words you choose go a long way toward changing a complaint into the opening of a constructive discussion. Avoid vague accusatory statements like, "You never listen". Instead use clear "I statements", such as, "I feel ignored when you keep the TV on during dinner."

In fact, avoid extreme words such as "always" and "never" altogether. People frequently use these words for emphasis, when they really mean "sometimes". These words are inflammatory, make the problem seem hopeless, and can add to a feeling of being accused.

If the discussion dissolves into a fight, you may need to take a break and try again later. It's better not to say things in anger. If you are unable to stop the cycle of complaints on your own, you may want to visit a therapist who can help you learn how to communicate more effectively.

Remember, you are looking for a resolution, not trying to come out on top. It doesn't help to win the argument if you lose the relationship in the process.

Learn more about this author, Susan Quilty.
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