by Susan Quilty

Created on: February 08, 2008   Last Updated: August 25, 2009

Sigmund Freud may have feared that repressed anger would result in psychological illness, but recent studies beg to differ. In fact, recent psychological research supports the opposite theory, that venting negative feelings does not make a person feel better, but instead makes the person feel worse.

This subject is discussed in the book, "Anger, Aggression, and Interventions for Interpersonal Violence", edited by Timothy A. Cavell and Kenya T. Malcolm. A chapter entitled, "The Pseudopsychology of Venting in the Treatment of Anger: Implications and Alternatives for Mental Health Practice", discusses research in this area by University of Arkansas psychologist Jeffery M. Lohr and his colleagues.

In the studies performed by Lohr and his colleagues, subjects vented their anger both physically and verbally. Over and over, subjects felt more resentful and angry after venting than those who did not vent their feelings. This goes to show that, despite popular opinion, getting complaints off one's chest will not make a person feel any better.

What's worse, complaints can spread negative feelings to others, which can lead to a vicious cycle with complaints and bad feelings feeding off of each other. This has a devastating effect on relationships. No one likes to be constantly criticized or to listen to another person complain about every little thing that happens to him or her. It is emotionally draining. It can also lead to the listener then dwelling on the negative aspects of his or her own life.

Complaints are often stored up and flung out in anger or frustration. They have a negative impact on relationships and they rarely, if ever, lead to solving problems. Yet problems in relationships that do exist, should be addressed. So how do you stop complaining and still address problems?

There are three steps you can take to minimize the complaining in your relationship. First, learn to recognize which complaints stem from actual problems. Next, let go of the unimportant complaints. And finally, discover ways to turn complaints into constructive discussions.

1. Recognize Underlying Problems

There are times when life can be more difficult than usual. Think about the type of complaints frequently made in relationships. How many of them are influenced by forces outside of the relationship, such as work stress, lack of sleep, or the demands of parenting?

It can be hard to tell whether complaints are brought on by a bad mood or an actual underlying problem. For example,

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