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a psychologist, and my very best friend was about as messed up as anyone I knew then or have ever known.

Then there was the psychiatric social worker I found through a church-related family services organization. She knew I was there to discuss marital problems, that my HUSBAND and I were having problems, and I wanted input from a professional. The main thing that happened in our only session is that she asked me out on a date.

Over time, I manipulated my way through about a half dozen therapists of one type or another, always getting the answers I came to hear. Finally, when I had a real crisis, I went to the school psychologist at the college I was attending and started in with the same old tricks. We were only a few minutes into our appointment when he said, "If you want to get anywhere with this, you're going to have to cut the bull and stop trying to manipulate me."

He really caught me off guard and I apologized profusely. He told me that there wasn't any need to apologize, that being a good manipulator is an important life skill, and I should be happy that I was good at it. Then he explained that the counseling would be worthless unless I was honest with him and with myself.

I think I went through a whole box of tissues that session, and a few more before he left the school for private practice. Of all the different therapists I'd seen (including one I worked for), he was the only one who had seen past my fine acting skills and gotten some honesty out of me.

On the other hand

I've had many meaningful insights into myself, my problems, and the solutions, in my relationship with my pen and paper originally and now with my computer. I can use any foul language I want to, never have to monitor what I say or beat around the bush, whether it's about me, about family members, the conditions at work, or the general unfairness of the world.

It usually begins with a major rant. I get it all off my chest and onto paper. It's purely stream of consciousness. I don't edit it. When I've had my major hostility dump, I get quite reflective. I look at what I've written, frequently have some pretty good insights into what the real problem is and, once that happens, I can either begin to let go of it, find a way to fix it, or accept that it is not within my power to change so I might as well not give myself migraines or ulcers worrying about it.

I don't want to suggest that this will work for everyone. First of all, I'm very introspective and curious and can lie awake at night

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