by Todd Christian

Created on: February 03, 2008   Last Updated: July 18, 2010

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting across from a beautiful blonde girl, menu in hand, when the still-young conversation decidedly turned south.

I had just made some passing comment about how all of the drinks in the flashy drink section seemed to be splashing out of the glass's rims (and how odd it was that it was somehow attractive to have sloppy bartenders) when she said it.

"That was David's drink," she said, as if I had any idea who on God's green planet David was.

Assuming she was baiting me to ask who he was, I didn't bite. I just said, "Hmm," and continued to scan the menu, though my eyes weren't sending signals to my brain. My ears were.

"He was such a loser," she said. Uh oh. I knew I was in for a long one.

It was all downhill from there, and the hill was as slippery as a greased pig. Not only did she berate her ex for well over half the night, she also cried about their breakup, asked how much money I made, and told me that she thought we "really might have a future together."

Although I was a little afraid that I might have some sort of stalker freak on my hands, I also knew that I was safe - because my grand total of about 15 words during the date didn't bring any real details about my life to light.

It could not have been worse. She broke practically every rule of first-date conversation etiquette - and with extreme prejudice.

In case you're one of those habitual one-date-and-done singles, check your typical first-date schpiel against this tip list. If you're simply not very self-aware, it should be an easy fix.

KEEP THE EXES OUT
When you bring up your past relationships on the first date, it sends up a red flag in your prospective romantic partner's mind - regardless what you say. If you are complimentary and describe your current relationship with an ex as "still good friends," your date will assume he or she is merely a rest stop on the highway of love - Destination: Jenny (or plug your ex's name here).

If you complain, insult, and criticize, you'll look like a bitter soul who blames everyone but him or herself. You might also look like someone who is bitter about being unceremoniously dumped but not ready to put that person behind you.

If your date asks what happened between you and your ex, simply say that you just weren't meant for one another and hope that your date does the same. Skeletons can crawl out of the closet once your romantic conquest cares.

TAKE A BREATH
If you've ever been on the wrong side of a one-sided conversation,

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