by Scott Blackburn

Created on: February 01, 2008

Grade School Cafeteria and the Coolness Spectrum

Ahhh, the elementary school cafeteria. I can still smell it. A rich aromatic mix of "wagon wheels", tater tots, ammonia, and kids. The cafeteria served far more purpose than serving mysterious meals to youngsters, it was a measuring stick of a kid's acceptability at school. Yes, the cafeteria could make or break the reputation of a 4th grader, much like tennis shoes. The cafeteria could easily be a study in sociology. First and foremost, let's distinguish the two main classes of cafeteria kids. The kids who brought their lunch from home, and those who bought it at school.

While the intelligence and life expectancy of a student who brought their lunch was higher, their coolness was riding the fence. You see, if you brought a delicious lunch with no nutritional value, coolness points would go up. A kid passing out Oreos and Fruit-Rollups could make the fact that they wore suspenders almost null and void. But lunch-bringers could also lose cool points as easily as they gained them. Bringing foods like asparagus, salad, or Lima beans were a huge mistake. The "healthy kid" was often teased, and therefore, quickly descending the coolness spectrum. The biggest risk of all for kids who brought their lunch was the possibility of their mom leaving a note in or on their lunch-box. A sticky note with a lipstick print was the ultimate dagger, especially if the note read "I love you poo poo bear!". Ouch. As you can see, their was a tight rope for lunch carriers to walk daily. One wrong move and you could never be cool again.

People who brought their lunch were more readily accepted by their peers. The whole "I have to eat it, so should you" attitude came into play here. There were many ways that these particular kids could boost their popularity. Every Wednesday was pizza day, which was a great opportunity for cool points. Whoever purchased and ate the most slices of pizza on a given Wednesday held the title of the "cool kid" in the cafeteria. The same rule applies for grilled cheese, hot dog, and corn dog days. Making food suicides was also a popular activity. Mixing corn, the unidentifiable purple pie, and applesauce was awesome. If a kid dared to eat it, his cool points were doubled. Like the lunch-bringing crowd, cool points could be lost just as easily as they were gained. The vegetarian at the table was often ridiculed, as were the kids who took the cheese off their pizza. If you had strange eating habits, you were an outcast.

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