by C.V.Rajan

Created on: January 31, 2008   Last Updated: March 24, 2008

I am qualified to write on this subject on two counts. One, I am writing from India, where taking care of aged parents by their off-springs within the bondage of a closely knit family is still very much prevalent. Two, my aged parents are living with me (with my wife and two children) for the past 25 years.

It must be borne in mind that what I write here is based on my first hand experiences, observations and judgments and not fully based on my implementing them personally to letter and spirit!

In my opinion, aging parents want and expect the following:

(1) A reasonable amount of financial independence:

If the parents have their own source of income (like pension, interest from deposits, dividends, rental income from properties etc), they would mostly like to contribute their share to the family even if their son with whom they are living, earns a lot and has no need to receive their share. That way, they have a sense of pride that they are not financially dependent on the son. It is best to respect their sentiments.

Strangely, if the son happens to DEMAND their share of contribution to the family budget as a matter of right or if he wants to exploit their income for his selfish needs, they would very much feel offended and hurt. So, beware of their displeasure.

From another angle, assuming that the parents have little source of income on their own, they always suffer an inferiority complex. Though they think the son is duty-bound to take care of them, they somehow feel bad of such dependence. Under such situations, the son must be extremely careful not to hurt their sentiments from money point of view.

In my case, my parents have adequate income of their own and my father is more than an accountant who keeps account of every penny and settles the accounts methodologically at the end of every month.

(2) A reasonable amount of physical independence:

Aging parents, health permitting, would like to travel outstation to visit relatives, to attend marriages and ceremonies, to go on pilgrimage etc. Their absence may hurt the son's family if they are taking some important responsibilities at home (like cooking, attending other domestic chores, purchase of vegetables and grocery, visiting bank, attending to the needs of little children etc). The son should ensure that their wishes are permitted and they should not be left to feel that they are being exploited with selfish motive at home.

(3)Their reasonable (and unreasonable) whims and fancies to be conceded to:

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