by Sandra Piddock

Created on: January 29, 2008   Last Updated: February 23, 2011

How do you define adultery? This is important in deciding whether it is a forgivable sin, as far as I'm concerned. Are we talking a one night stand, a long term affair lasting years, or a string of infidelities? All these things need to be considered before making a decision on forgiveness.

A one night stand I could probably forgive, because there may have been any number of factors in play. He was drunk, a moment of madness, he was annoyed and wanted to hit back, she came onto him and he couldn't resist.  All spur of the moment reactions which, although stupid, shouldn't automatically lead to the premature end of an otherwise good marriage. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'd like to think I could be generous enough to forgive my husband, as long as I could be certain it was a one-off. Mind you, I'm only human, so I would probably make him wish he'd never set eyes on her!

An affair, though, is something altogether more insidious and destructive. Webster's Student Dictionary defines an affair as 'A romantic and usually sexual relationship between two people not married to each other.' The key word here is 'relationship.' A relationship is something that is built up over a period of time. It doesn't just happen, it has to be worked at and made to happen. The only romantic or sexual relationship spouses should have is between each other. If a spouse feels there is no future in their marriage, they should end that relationship before beginning an affair. That is the only honourable way to proceed.

An affair cannot be excused as something that couldn't be helped. To conduct an affair involves more organisation than almost anything else. The lovers have to schedule their meetings around two lots of jobs, families and social calendars. Each meeting is a deliberate, calculated act. The cheating partner is continually making choices which are endangering the happiness of his family. He (or she) is prioritising someone else over their established family unit. How can such comprehensive betrayal ever be considered to be a 'forgivable sin?'

Then there's the serial adulterer who hops from bed to bed and affair to affair with no thought for anything or anyone other than gratification. This person should never have married in the first place, and they don't view their conduct as a sin, which makes forgiveness difficult.  If someone doesn't think they are committing a sin, it's nigh on impossible to forgive them.

In this 'Me, Me, Me!' culture of ours, gratification must be instant, total and justifiable. Marriage, however, is an enduring commitment. Those who put the most into it get the most out of it. Is the intense but transitory pleasure that may be gained from an affair worth the risk of a lifetime of misery and a trail of ruined lives - including the adulterer's? I don't believe it is.

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