by Dr. Deborah Bauers

Created on: January 28, 2008

How frequently do you find yourself at a loss to share the words that will adequately express your hurt, disappointment, or anger to others? We have all experienced the feeling of being misunderstood or judged unfairly. Yet, at no time is good communication as important as when we are trying to resolve personal differences with those we live in community with. This means that we must find ways to convey conflicting ideas and feelings which are solution-focused and conducive to strengthening relationships.

Good communication begins as we work at being good listeners. Listening is a skill that we can hone as we hear, not just with our ears, but with our hearts and minds as well. Here are some tips to improve your listening skills.

1. Tune out distractions.

How many times have you attempted to communicate something that is really important to you , only to realize that the person you are talking to is looking everywhere but at you. Not only do you feel highly disrespected, but you quickly come to the conclusion that the effort to communicate with this individual is wasted. Whether you are initiating a conversation or responding to another's dialog, good eye contact is essential. Feeling respected is a significant part of resolving conflict. So show some respect.

2. Set aside your own agenda and listen to what the other person is trying to tell you.

It's too easy to listen to another person only long enough to hear something that you want to respond to, and then pay no attention to the rest of their dialog. While they continue to speak, you are mentally composing your comeback. Unfortunately, while you are marshaling your own thoughts, you may be missing the remainder of a very compelling argument; one worth listening to.

3. Cultivate the art of Active Listening. Learn to listen for content.

Focus on the central idea of what you are hearing within the context of the speaker's feelings. Ask yourself how he is being impacted by the viewpoint that he is conveying. Differences of opinion contain two main elements.

A. The perspective or idea that differs from your own
B. The feelings that are attached to the other person's point of view

4. Provide Verbal Feedback.

Once you think that you have a fairly good grasp of the other person's standpoint and feelings, make a summary statement and ask if you have gathered and comprehended both the thoughts and the feelings of the speaker. For instance, you might say:

"So, you are disappointed in the decision that I made to... Am I hearing

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