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rose oil and we sat in a large, dark room with candles lit. There was soft music playing and the sound of a trickling stream of water coming from a CD player. Gentle voices of two meditation leaders lead the group with kind words. I was seated on a beautifully embroidered pillow that was strategically placed on a rectangular rug amongst 15 more rugs that the formed a square so all those meditating could face the same direction,... center. 'It was perfect' I thought. I began to breathe deeply taking in my surroundings through smell and sound and absence of sound.

I sat there for about 2 minutes with nothing in my mind feeling quite proud. Then I recognized a thoughtI felt proud. I quickly turned that off and questioned whether or not I was supposed to even allow myself to feel proud. Oddly I began to question my questioning and then I questioned if that questioning was not the primary reason for the dissolution of the marriage and then I tried to figure out where it all started to fall apart. On top of that my bladder was about to explode.

Needless to say I spent the remaining 58 minutes trying to stop thinking. My last thought came in the form of me mentally patting myself on the back, (as I had always tried to do, sometimes to a fault) saying good job' to myself for sitting the entire hour and realizing

1) My mind is a noisy place and...
2) "meditation" is a lot harder than I thought.
3) Always go pee before you sit down to meditate

I woke up to many things that day one of which was that I was a positive person for myself, my own personal cheerleader so to speak, which I had grown to see as a bad thing that meant I was an egotist or that I was arrogant (turns out that ain't so). Another and very huge awakening was to the knowledge that I would be working extremely hard for the rest of my life on me and that I would be doing it in order to be of service to the entire planet and obviously my ex-husband.

The next time was easier but only because I fell asleep within the first 20 minutes. I literally was so tired and soothed by the sounds I moved my pillow out of its perfectly squared spot and placed the rug so my body was on it entirely, I laid my head down on the pillow and then I passed out. I actually convinced myself for the day I must be quite the little meditator because when the last word was spoken "Namaste" I magically woke up without anyone having to say "Hey!wake up! you fell asleep".

After a year or so I begin to get good at watching myself think and speak.

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