I love writing jokes. All my jokes are 100% original. I have a rich variety of snappy gags, all guatanteed to make you chuckle. Are there any stand-up comedians out there looking for a good joke writer? If so then do get in touch with me. Also, are there any other good joke writers out there? Let's hear your gags.

Here are some of my original jokes:

My Uncle Charlie the funny clown died. We had him cremated. It took ages for the coffin to burn - all his friends kept throwing buckets of water over it.

A young man's moved into the flat opposite from where my gran lives. The other day he was dancing naked in the window, showing off everything. My gran went over to complain. She knocked on his door. He answered it. She said, "You dirty beggar! Clean your windows!"

I took some tablets to lower my cholesterol. I ended up with fat feet.

I auditioned for The X Factor. I sang a Tom Jones song. I was so bad Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh threw their underpants at me.

I was suffering with low esteem so I went to the doctors. He said I should learn to love myself more. I said, "Why? Isn't five times a week enough?"

It was Karaoke Night at my local pub. I couldn't decide between a Tony Bennett and a Madness song. So I sang I Left My Baggy Trousers In San Francisco.

I went to the library. I put a paper frog on the desk. Then a paper house. Then a paper bird. Then a paper aeroplane. Then a paper giraffe. The librarian said, "What's all this?" I said, "I'm returning that book I borrowed on origami."

I got two 'A' levels, one in music and one in maths. After leaving college I got a job in a band playing the isosceles triangle.

I worked in a shop. A customer walked in and said, "A southern blue fin tunafish called Peter was banned from the 1992 Olympics because it refused to wear a pair of shorts." Who said the customer is always right?

I went to one of these indoor climbing centres but I couldn't get in. The entrance door was halfway up the building.

A new dance that I invented didn't quite catch on. Dotted Line Dancing.

I saw a woman come storming out of a restaurant. She was fuming. I said, "What's wrong?" She said, "I've been thrown out for breastfeeding." I said, "That's terrible. It's perfectly normal to breastfeed in public." She said, "I know." I said, "Who threw you out? The manager?" She said, "No. The baby's mother."

Do get in touch with me if you want me to write some jokes for you.

Learn more about this author, Bernard Morris.
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