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It has taken me longer to write this than I had expected. I was in a relationship with a BPD for nearly ten years. Although I loved this person, I hated the relationship. It was a psychological hell. Once I understood what was going on (and you should know it took nearly eight years to figure it out), I still loved her, and didn't "blame" her. I didn't hate her, but I had to decide whether or not I could stay in that relationship both for the sake of my own mental health and that of our child. Ultimately I chose to get out and that, although difficult, was best for both our child and myself.

There are many expressions of BPD. I know I can only speak to the one I experienced. I thought I could write about it easily, but it brings up many memories and conflicts I had hoped I had successfully suppressed by now.

Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD as it is often called, is a complex disorder. Disorders are diagnosed according to the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 4). They are not just arbitrarily done. DSM IV lays out nine criteria for BPD, of which a patient must meet at least 5 to be diagnosed with BPD.

My former partner easily met seven, and was marginal on the remaining two. In other words, she was a full-blown BPD.

Most people connote BPD with "cutting" (e.g.: slashing forearms with razor blades or knives as a sign of distress, or private relief), as "popularized" in the movie "Girl, Interrupted".

Although cutting happens, it is not universal. Not everyone does it. Cutting, if it does occur, is the least of it. It is a very obvious indicator, but just a small aspect of the disorder. My partner did not cut, but she did nearly everything else. One of the nine criteria is "Self-destructive behavior". Yes, that can be cutting, but it can be any number of other things, from financially-destructive, to emotionally-destructive, to health-destructive. Invariably, relationship destructive.

For a variety of reasons, naivety being part of it, and not recognizing it was a disorder, I didn't get out of the relationship when I should have. In the beginning, I argued back, taking her word that I was the problem, and it being the first really long-term relationship I had been in (she had been in others) I assumed it was me. What did I know?

Eventually I realized I could never match the depth of her anger, or ever fill her emotional needs.

It was many years before I had confided with someone who also had experienced a BPD in her life. She

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