by I. Michael Akbar

Created on: January 25, 2008

To heal from a toxic relationship you must first come to understand just how damaging such a relationship can be. Emotional vampirism might be an apt description when it comes to toxic relationships, where one partner continually drains the emotional life from their partner in order to sustain their own weak self-image and damaged self-esteem. Few relationships are completely equal and balanced between partners, but when a relationship is tilted dramatically toward the control of one partner, it is toxic and very threatening to the health and well-being of the weaker partner.

EMOTIONAL WEAPONS

To maintain control and feed a self-image that was probably damaged in childhood or a previous toxic relationship of their own, a toxic partner will use weapons such as intimidation, guilt, shame, seduction and playing the victim.

Intimidation can include a number aspects. Not only is there implied and actual physical harm, but the toxic partner will also use threats of withholding affection, abandonment and denying financial support.

The toxic partner tries to heap guilt on his victim by blaming them for all the problems of the relationship: lack of income, his own inability to handle responsibility or any lack of intimacy. They claim the victimized partner is not caring enough or is too self-centered. This is especially effective with people who have previously developed the codependent traits of putting other people's needs first and always trying to fix things. Their toxic partner's claims will seem to ring true in their minds.

A controlling partner will also use shame, belittling their partner directly, insulting and using sarcasm to make their partner feel inadequate. This way they stay in power as the other person weakens. This is probably born out of their own sense of inadequacy and their attempt to bring their victim down to their own level so that they can feel better about their own poor self-image.

It is truly frightening to me that the toxic, controlling partner will use charm and seduction to maintain their grip on the unhealthy relationship. They will dole out just enough good feeling to make their weaker partner feel that there is something worth holding on to. This gives the victim the false hope that the relationship just might be worth saving.

When all else fails, the dominating partner will try to turn the table, playing the role of victim themselves. They will play on the pain and damage that they may have suffered to pull on their victim's heart strings

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