by Sangeetha Narayan

Created on: January 25, 2008

When a mother dies ....

"I have breast cancer." It's amazing how four words can shatter your life. How do you deal with it, when it happens twice in a lifetime?

"You can't do this to me again!" I wanted to scream.

" I can't imagine how I'll be breaking this to Ruchi," Nisha's tired voice brought me out of my pain. I felt a little ashamed. Lost in my own selfish needs, I had forgotten about Nisha's 15 year old daughter.

Nisha has been my closest friend for a long time now. I met her after the most painful experience of my life. I had just lost my mother to breast cancer. I was 11 when my mother had tried to tell me about her illness.

"Everybody has to go. I just will be going a little earlier," she said.

"Where are you going mama? On vacation?" I had asked innocently.

" You're smarter than that, Gayatri," she smiled.

I knew what she was talking about. I had seen how tired and weak she looked. Though nobody said anything, I had frequently heard the words Breast Cancer floating around in the house. Mom and Dad had been making frequent trips to Bangalore, while I stayed at a neighbor's place. At the end of every trip, they seemed to get more dejected.

I was 12, when she died. I remember the fuss that everybody made at her funeral. I remember my aunt's sad voice, "Cry Gayatri. You've to cry!" I wanted to tell everybody to leave me alone.

Life moved on after the funeral. I would go to school and come back home. I would do my homework, help my dad in the kitchen, eat and go to bed. This continued for a few months, and then Nisha entered my life. I don't know how we became friends. Maybe, I was ready to move on. I just couldn't resist her charming offer of friendship. "You can live in the past, or you can move on. If you want to move on, I'll be there for you," she finally said in frustration one day.

We never looked back, since that day. After a few years, when my dad died, she was there for me. I attended her wedding and later helped her through pregnancy and delivery. When her husband died in an accident, I was there for her and Ruchi.

Now, here I was, back in full circle. How could she do this to me? She had promised to be there for me! While, I struggled with my feelings, Nisha struggled with chemotherapy, loss of hair, and dealing with Ruchi. I could recognize the pain in her eyes. I had lived with that pain all my life. And then it all ended, just as suddenly as it had started!

..
I walked past the sea of white. I never understood why everyone had to wear white

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