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I am afraid that I fear LOVE. The intensity of integrating my soul into someone else makes my core quiver in apprehension and avoidance. The thing I desire most in this life, LOVE, is the same thing I am petrified of beyond reason.

What is LOVE? Is it as powerful as "they" describe and dictate in the pages of my books? Or is LOVE a created unattainable illusion that I will always adore and abhor simultaneously?

LOVE, in my perspective, is as perfect as it is paralyzing; a paradox through and through.
Perhaps though, my definition of LOVE is distorted: this is my hope.

I want LOVE to be all those magical and miraculous things that my heart yearns for it to be. I crave that undying and unconditional LOVE- to give and to receive. I can feel my soul bursting with desire to nurture and need another.

Is LOVE every being's desire? Is LOVE what we are all searching for? Is there proof that LOVE exists? Show me. I want to touch it, taste it, and trust it. In my dreams LOVE is all there is; all that matters.
In my heart's experiences, though, LOVE has been a draining and despairing mental and emotional experience. Every time there is what I think is a glimmer of LOVE in the eyes of another I end up losing who I am in my own eyes. I have found myself conforming into who the other person wants to LOVE- and migrating away from me- disregarding and destroying self LOVE for sake of another's LOVE.

This can't be what LOVE is meant to be. How can LOVING another kill my ability to LOVE myself? Does this mean that the LOVE that I have been introduced to was nothing more than Lust or Loneliness in disguise?

Oh, I want so badly to believe in the possibility of paradise. That wonderful blissful place where two people can be and share who they are and equally reap rewards from each other such as understanding, compassion, laughter, healing, healthiness, passion, friendship, communication, respect.

Good or bad it seems as if my hope in LOVE will never die and I guess I need to take solace in this undying desire for LOVE believing that if I believe it is perhaps possible. So what am I so afraid of?

Learn more about this author, Mary Maguire.
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