7 of 16

Write now Article Tools

Page 2 of 2

one test day didn't allow them to take the test. I questioned this because it just seemed unfair to penalize 7th graders for not having a pencil. His reasoning was, "How else will they become responsible 8th graders and later, adults?" Another is when my husband decides the boys are lazy and attempts to force them to work and berates them if they get it wrong in order to "build work ethic".

Instead of seeing everything we do as a potential 'molding' experience, we need to recognize that kids aren't ours to mold into the perfect beings. They will, no matter how many times we berate, nag, coax, or otherwise coerce them into shape, turn out to be wonderfully imperfect human beings. Those imperfections in the granite of their being are what adds to their beauty and depth as humans.

(2) The Authoritarian Belief

This is the basic belief that, because we're older, we're entitled to certain things without having to do anything-"Because I said so..." "You will show me respect..." "I know what's best..."

"Because I said so..." works pretty well to avoid a long discussion with a 5 year old about why he has to go to bed at 8 p.m. To a teenager, "Because I said so..." is heard as, "You can't because I'm a bully and I don't respect you and don't want you questioning me because I don't have any reason at all..." It cuts off communication and makes them think that you haven't noticed that they are getting older or smarter or that they have developed some common sense. Furthermore, it cuts off their chance to show you what cool people they're becoming and how much they really have internalized those great values you've instilled in them.

"You will show me respect!" is just dumb. Imagine your boss not showing you respect and then picture him or her screaming that one at you. Your thought would be, "Yeah, when hell freezes..." We're models for behavior; they look at all of their adults to see how they're supposed to act. With the demand for respect, they don't get that modeling they need. But they do when they're treated respectfully. And it's one of those things that falls into the 'you get what you give' category.

"I know what's best for you." Do you, really? How do you know? Because you're older? Does this advanced age thing make you that much wiser? So, why do YOU still make mistakes in your own life?

I think a lot can be accomplished by getting off the pedestal. They can see us making mistakes and see us fix those mistakes. We can relax and not be perfect omniscient beings and just be human. And, even better, we can learn some things from them because they have a different point of view than we do.

(3) The Status Quo Belief

The idea that our childhood ran a certain way ("Children should be seen and not heard...") with a certain set of expectations ("Sit. Be quiet. Learn.") really hinders any sort of progress.

I don't know about you but I don't remember my childhood as being all that fantastic. And, being an adult, I've moved past certain ways of thinking. I remember Blondie's 6th grade year and how the 8th graders made the year sheer hell for him. And then when he became the 8th grader, he saw it as his right to torture the 6th graders. I'm not 14, I'm 43 and it isn't my 'right' to turn around and be the bully-adult.

If we adults would remember what life was like and vow to actually stick to at least SOME of those times we vowed that "we'd never do or say THAT" instead of trying to even some imaginary score in life, we could give our kids a better childhood and teenage life than we had.

By getting rid of all three beliefs, we can foster respect and foster growth. What's more, we'd have a lot more fun...

...and so would they.

Learn more about this author, Maria Bray.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

• << previous page
• 1
• 2

Add your voice

Know something about Tips for increasing awareness and respect toward teenagers?
We want to hear your view. Write now!