by Dorothy Sander

Created on: January 21, 2008

If you have married well and married wisely your spouse may likely be your best friend, someone you always turn to in times of hardship and times of joy. Throughout the twenty five years of my marriage to my best friend and I have had the good fortune of mutual respect and admiration in our relationship that has carried us through very difficult times in life as well as in our relationship.

However, the biggest pitfall of a marriage based in friendship is the illusion that each other is all we need. WE ARE COMPLEX CREATURES with multi-faceted and intricate personalities and needs. ONE PERSON CANNOT MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS and we cannot meet all of theirs. For example there are things a female friend can understand that a male friend may not even be interested in and vice versa. Exclusivity not only can strain the relationship but it can cause you to develop a world that becomes closed in and narrow in focus. Developing outside friendships enriches our lives individually and as a couple.

When we become immersed in our marriage, our children and our career, we often have little time or energy to devote to friendships outside our marriage. But the initial effort required to do so will pay off in the end with a more balanced life strengthening us in the long run. Fortunately we don't need fifty friends to enrich our lives. One or two very good ones can be more than enough.

SEEK AND MAINTAIN FRIENDSHIPS THAT STRENGTHEN YOU. A true friend is a person who knows you for who you truly are and interacts with you in such a way as to strengthen you as a person. We often talk about "soul mates" when it comes to male/female relationships but we can have "soul friends" as well. Soul friends are people who have a special affinity for each other and who automatically love and support each other with little or no friction. Sometimes they are hard to find, but it is worth the effort to look. People who take from us and do not give and relationships that drain and do not build us up are not what we need in our lives for the purpose of emotional strength and support. Giving to those in need may be something we want to do but recognize these are not friendships.

LOOK FOR A SOUL FRIEND IN THE DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES OF LIFE. You will often find your best friends doing the same kinds of things you do. If you love attending your children's activities you may find a friend in a parent of your child's friend who is attending the same activity. Perhaps you love your work and you have a colleague

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