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When a couple split up, their top priority ought to be the well being of their children. The fact that the parents' relationship has broken down should be put to the back of their minds. They should not let their disagreements and bitterness boil over and ruin their children.

In an ideal world, the breakdown of a relationship should be handled with calm and maturity. It would be great for the two parties to sit down with their children and explain that mum and dad no longer love each other. While they are going their separate ways, they both still love their children and want the best for them. The children should be allowed to give their views and say what they want in the future. In reality, this rarely happens. Most separations have an element of bitterness and blame throwing. At times, both adults seem to want to use the children to hurt their ex.

In extreme cases, the parents do not even speak to each other. So, the only way to reach any sort of agreement over the custody of the children is through the courts. This is of course costly and can be time consuming. It also does little to help ensure a combined approach to doing the best by your kids. Both sides seem bent on proving the other person would be a bad father/mother. That is blatantly bad for the child to learn of such hatred and division.

What both parents need to remember that what is best for the children is of paramount importance. Separation is a traumatic time for adults. But so too for children. They often suffer in silence, which can be far worse than getting things off their chests. Children will have views. They should be listened to. But also remember, parents have responsibilities. If a father is a traveling salesman going on lots of foreign trips, is it appropriate for him to have custody? If the mother is a nurse who works nights, should the children live with her? All sorts of things have to be taken into consideration.

Children are clever at playing their parents off against each other. They delight in playing the victim. Do not fall for it. You still need to show tough love. Do not agree with them if they criticize your ex. After all, your ex is still their parent, just like you. Ideally, sit down and come up with some form of agreement with your ex as to how you are going to treat the kids. They need discipline now more than ever.

Try to emphasize the positives. Yes, the marital home is no more. That means the kids they have two homes, two sets of friends, two bedrooms. Try to make them look forward to spending time with you and your ex. Do not make it sound like a chore. Prepare activities well. Do not neglect them - they have seen you and your ex have fallen out. Make sure they know you still love them.

Finally, when two adults with children break up, it can be a very messy time. But you both need to call a ceasefire when it comes to the kids. The idea over a battle for the children is horrendous. It happens all the time. But it is preferable to try to work things out amicably rather than fight.

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