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Applying make up in the car without getting into an accident is a fine art which I haven't yet perfected. I rarely find the time to put on my make-up in the house before going to work, so I often do it in the car to save time. In the last 12 months, I've hit just two pedestrians well, the second one was in a wheel-chair so wasn't strictly a pedestrian. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the wheelchair probably ended up saving his life. Let's move on. The cyclist I only caught broadside as it were and sent him headlong into a hedgerow which fortunately broke his fall. None of the people I actually hit were killed, though I have to confess I didn't stop to find out as I was already late for work.

The able-bodied pedestrian (at least he was before the accident ha, ha, you've got to laugh at these things, I find, don't you?) was a male jogger who must have run out in front of me on a zebra crossing without warning just as I was checking my eye-liner. Why people have to use these crossings and expect drivers to slam on their brakes for them is beyond me. Why don't they just wait until the road's clear? It's much safer that way. In the case of the jogger, I caught him a glancing blow that sent him spinning round a couple of times before he hit the deck. I checked in my rear view mirror to make sure he was Ok. He was still moving and writhing about on the ground, so I think it's safe to assume he survived. Just to be on the safe side, I got on my cell phone to notify the emergency services of a hit and run. I felt it was only the right thing to do.

Applying lipstick while driving is no problem it can usually be done with one hand still on the wheel. But when two hands are required, as they are when applying mascara, it's only really safe where the road is straight for long stretches, such as on freeways, and when there are very few other vehicles about. In any case, very often I find the camber of the road keeps me more or less in the right lane without having to keep a hand on the steering wheel. And besides on freeways, there's always plenty of room for overtaking vehicles to get past me even if I'm slightly out of lane.

What I do find tricky and which takes real skill, is to apply lipstick when I'm talking to someone on the cell phone at the same time. It can be done without touching the wheel at all, though on bendy stretches of road, I find myself sometimes forced to maneuver the wheel with my right elbow.

It would be great if I could have my car adapted to be driven without the need for using the hands at all, like those vehicles you sometimes see disabled people driving who are unable to use their arms. They're adapted so the car can be steered with your feet. In my opinion, all cars should be adapted in this way. Maybe they'll introduce it one day.

Don't run away with the idea that I drive like this all the time. Nothing could be further from the truth. I never spend more than 3 or 4 mins at any one time applying make-up. I normally do it when I'm stopped at some traffic lights but this isn't always possible. The rest of the time that is 98% of the time - my mind is fully focussed on the job of driving carefully. After all, driving can be dangerous and you have to be on the look-out for some of the insane and idiotic things other drivers do it never ceases to amaze me what lunatics are allowed to get behind the steering wheel of a car.

Learn more about this author, Maximillion Mango-Chutney.
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