by Peter Robertson

Created on: January 19, 2008

I've taken this skill to the next level. My toddler and I have such an acute sense of communication, I don't need to talk. We interact totally with a set of whistles, grunts, groans and murmurs. I believe in the minimalist theory and this gets my point across without the need for useless words or long winded commands.

For example, what happens if I sit down in front of the television and do not find the remote control within arm's reach? All it takes is a groan, similar to when you're one number off winning the lottery, and my toddler comes running with the sole purpose of retrieving the remote. It wasn't easy honing this particular sound to being an unmistakable audio impulse, but I believe I have it perfected.

For those unfortunate times that I finish my beer and don't have another at the ready, I let out a moan, similar to that of a cow mooing. Within seconds, my toddler responds with a fresh cold beer. If I happen to be entertaining, a short flick of the wrist is all that's needed for my toddler to realize the error in his ways and return with the full six-pack.

What about when the "munchies" strike? This was the easiest command to teach, as I let out a long winded "Aaaaaagh", and along comes my toddler with a fresh packet of chips. When mixed with a shorter, sharper "Aaagh", he knows that a fresh jar of salsa is also required. This sound does have its disadvantages though as I haven't quite polished it for originality. Consequently when a visiting neighbor is expressing some aggravation at the length of my front lawn, my faithful toddler will come running with the chips. It's unfortunate when this occurs as I'm not usually in a hospitable mood when it comes to my annoying neighbor.

On the odd occasion we venture outdoors, I like to sit in the fresh air. These adventures have increased since McDonald's opened their outdoor eating area. When the burgers and fries haven't quite hit the spot, I like to top up with a shake or two. But who wants to get back in line just for dessert. I'm in the process of training my toddler to respond to a high pitched whistle. This needs to pierce the noise of the children's play area. So far he's responding well, I'll need him to carry a step so he can be seen by the server, but that's a minor detail.

You can obviously see how easy my life has become since having a child. My wife and I are thinking of having a total of five children at three year intervals. As long as I can influence my eldest to start a family at 18, I'll be able to pass this skill onto the next generation. I don't even think a command is necessary to encourage an 18 year old to have sex. Wish me luck!

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