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Being a parent scared the life out of me, but I've taken to it like a duck to water. As soon as I saw the first ultra sound image of my son in the womb, I knew we would be a great team. When the little tyke was wriggling and kicking in his mothers tummy, I soothed him with a song. As long as my wife wore ear plugs everything was okay.

My son came into the world possessing a great set of lungs. I always had the answer, it's called a pacifier. I usually lathered it in maple syrup or chocolate sauce. You should have seen the smile on his face! On the odd occasion that didn't work, I'd stick a bottle of something my wife warmed up in his mouth and he'd stare up at me with thanks.

As a toddler, he was a little rascal, regularly stomping his feet or rolling around on the floor and screaming. People called it a tantrum, but I could cure them easily. Gum balls, all day suckers and toffee apples. Toffee apples were the best because he would try and take such a big bite his jaws would lock out on the apple and we'd have hours of silence.

Food, now there's a good subject. I always encouraged eating a variety of meals and exercising after eating. We mixed things up every night, first course at Taco Bell, then KFC, followed by Wendy's for a triple cheeseburger. And if he was a bit cranky, we'd stop off at Baskin & Robbins for an ice cream. Come to think of it, that was most nights, but it calmed him down

The school years were a breeze. Anything he had trouble with, I would complete. He was top of his class until year nine. I found year nine to be the hardest three years of my life, and I tell you, nothing's changed.

As a teenager, he wanted an X-Box. That was a no brainer, as I had to find a use for the 102" TV I got him after he disposed of that annoying neighborhood cat. Talking of pets, there were plenty of them. Firstly, the fish, then guinea pigs, rabbits and a giant green lizard I bought off a guy at Denny's. "Last of its kind" he said. That was perfect I thought, because my son was a one off as well!

That really fueled my son's interest in the environment. Last I saw, he had collected all his soda cans and tied them behind a neighbor's car who was getting married. It was a shame he was a month late, but it was an admirable thought.

It was a big day when my son got his driver's license and I presented him with a new Ford Mustang. The novelty soon wore off though and he lost interest in driving. It wasn't his fault the bank robbers used his car for their getaway. I didn't see much of my son after that, he needed to relax and unwind. He spent some time at his auntie's place in Arizona. She must be a far removed Auntie, as my wife or I don't have any sisters.

My son is now 41, still lives with me and has never worked a day in his life. I'm quite proud of my achievement in sheltering him from the troubles of the world and proving myself to be a perfect parent.

Learn more about this author, Peter Robertson.
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