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I cannot believe that I actually remembered garbage day this week, which meant I hauled my trash and garbage to the curb on time.

Since I don't do work that ties me to a calendar, sometimes I lose track of days. It's often a mad race to get the stuff out when I hear the truck rumbling along the street because I don't wake up shouting "TGIF!" It's not that I generate much refuse - I could get by on every-other-week collections, and often do because I don't realise it is pick-up day until the truck is disappearing around the corner. But the city wants to collect it so I should get it outside; besides, I spend so much time sorting it, I'm proud to have it carted off to Cherry St.

Last summer, my city inaugurated what may be the world's most complicated garbage regime. In the process, an environmentally friendly policy that started with good intentions turned into a total bollix by the time it reached the streets of the Great Hairy Metropolis.

I made a dutiful effort to master the new system. I memorised the worksheet distributed by the city which outlined - in English, French and, for people who understand neither, graphics what to do. Printed on durable, heavy paper and just the right size for a weekly reference guide, the city explained how to keep our town green. I kept it handy while I sorted garbage, trash, bottles, cans and paper the way Canada Post sorts mail: I developed a pretty good underhand toss, hitting the proper bin or open bag with impressive regularity - unlike my mail which often has to be re-delivered by the obliging neighbour who received mine by mistake.

Food garbage should go in little bags and held in a small green bin which gets transferred to a large clear bag and deposited in a slightly larger green bin. Trash that's not food or recyclable goes into another bag, preferably green, but doesn't get binned at all. The whole thing is confusing. Aluminium foil, for example: You'd easily think it was non-food trash. But what about foil with food wrapped in it? Does it go into the big, clear bag or the big, not-clear bag? Do I remove food from the foil? In my house, opening the foil and removing food for sorting can be as great a health risk as breathing asbestos: Those toxic packages can be months old, and I'm terrified of handling them without wearing biohazard gloves. What about the Styrofoam trays that package meat at grocery chains? Do they go in recycling they're plastic, like juice bottles - or the green bag? Or the clear bag if there still

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