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The emotional suffering induced by a divorce is very similar to that of bereavement, at least to the extent of it being a loss of a partner. In many ways, the emotional stages that each ex-spouse goes through will be very similar as well, although they may express themselves in slightly different ways for the person who has instigated the divorce and the one who has not.

DENIAL SHOCK FEAR

The person who did not ask for the divorce is bound at first to experience shock and denial. They will not be able to take in that the marriage has come to this stage, and will look for all the reasons to believe it is not happening, with midlife crisis being one of the most common.

For the instigator that shock will come in the form of fear as he or she is stepping out into the unknown and they too will be wondering if it is really happening.

ANGER GUILT

From denial, the offended spouse will quickly move to the stage of anger, blaming his or her ex for being unfair and for all the pain that they are causing to both the one they are leaving and possibly the children.

For the offending partner it is likely that he or she will move to experiencing guilt, blaming himself or herself for everyone's pain.

BARGAINING - DOUBT

Anger and guilt will both lead to a position where doubt creeps in as both parties begin to wonder if they are doing the right thing. The offended party may want to try to set things right between the couple, offering almost anything if the other partner will stay and try to work things out.

DEPRESSION

Almost invariably, because of a roller coaster of emotions that each partner has been going through, there will be some time of depression. Few people can go through the emotional upheaval of a divorce without reaching period when, being drained, they will feel a deep sadness. Whilst you need to understand that this may happen, if it continues for a while, please seek medical help. There is no shame ion asking for such help.

ACCEPTANCE

Finally, both parties will move into the calmer waters of acceptance. They will have learned that they need to come to terms with what has happened and move on to a new life. It is at this stage that people rightly let go of the past.

Despite the fact that every person is different and they will therefore react individually to divorce, all will go through the above stages in some way. The strength to cope with them all will need to be found, perhaps by spending time alone, or talking things through with the aid of a counsellor.

Furthermore, whilst it may be difficult for either party in a divorce to appreciate the feelings of the other it is important, for the sake of moving on, to understand that neither will be emotionally sound during this period of time, with both experiencing the emotional stages described above. Undoubtedly, things will be said in the heat of the moment, which are later regretted. Therefore, once the acceptance stage has been reached it is important to forgive yourself and each other so that you can both move on unhindered into your new lives.

Learn more about this author, Paul Lines.
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