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There is one thing that can be virtually guaranteed in most cases following a divorce and this is the fact, certainly at times, that your relationship with your ex will not always be like sailing on a calm blue sea. The nature of divorce and the pain that goes with it is such that there are bound to be conflicts between you. How can you resolve these conflicts?

THE PAST IS GONE

Angry reactions to conflicts that arise between you and you ex-spouse are often rooted in the fact that one or other of you has not been able to put the marriage breakdown behind them. It is important you both learn to do this. The past is behind you and to keep bringing it up, even in thought, will continue to add stress to any contact you have. Best to remember that you are now two individuals leading separate lives and need to be able to talk reasonably to each other.

PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON

Sometimes, when a conflict arises, you will find it impossible to stop the steam from rising out of your ears and anger from your mouth. At these times, and in order not to make matters worse, you should take a break. Politely ask either if you can continue the conversation at another time, or make an excuse to pause. When you come back to the conversation later it will be easier to approach it with calm.

FORGIVE

Harbouring grudges over the past is a sure way to make conflicts between you and your ex-spouse worse. You must learn to forgive and mean it. You cannot change what has happened so why allow it to eat away at you. At least if you have forgiven you can get on with your life, and contact with you ex will not turn into a battle every time. Hard to do, but if you find it in your heart to forgive, life will be better.

UNDERSTAND

One thing that all of us find difficult is to understand the other persons viewpoint. In a divorce, this difficulty is multiplied. However, if you try to understand the reasons for the stance that your ex may have taken, it will be far easier to deal with any conflict that arises in an amicable way.

HUMOUR

Smiles can work wonders. Not that I am advocating you should be smiling every time a conflict arises with you ex but, if you bring a relaxed humorous stance to the situation, you will be surprised how easy it is to diffuse conflict.

THE CALM BLUE SEA

Finally, if you do want to experience that calm blue see when you are communicating with your ex, then you have to be calm in the first place. Your calm approach will take the storm out of his or her position and may even bring about a situation where you can, as two reasonable adults, have a polite conversation. It is worth a try isn't it?

There will undoubtedly be conflicts that arise between you and your ex following a divorce, in fact it would be somewhat unnatural if there were not. However, you can learn how to resolve these without increasing the tension or volume levels. You need to seek a path that has put the past behind, accepted and understood that you are now leading different lives and treat all contact and conflicts with calmness and humour. If you do this, you will be surprised to find that the two of you can sort out any issues without drama.

Learn more about this author, Paul Lines.
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