by Rachelle de Bretagne

Created on: January 16, 2008

If you can try and imagine what an adult feels like when their partner greets them with the surprise that they want a divorce, imagine for a moment multiplying that shock by a thousand times, and perhaps you may be near to understanding the confusion divorce causes to a child. The two people they love most in the world and that give them the only security blanket they know have pulled the blanket away and left them without roots, like a discarded weed.

That sounds simplistic, although if you look at the way in which a child sees their parents and their home life, it probably isn't far short of the truth. The child loves mom, but they also love dad. Now, they are confronted with a phenomenon that they really cannot get their head around, that the two people upon which the whole foundation of their life is based don't love each other. Looking at all the reasons that can anger a child in a situation like this makes sense of it all and helps a parent prepare for that moment when a child needs them the most.

*Loss and grief
*Regret
*Recrimination
*Fear

LOSS AND GRIEF.

These are words that most adults understand without explanation. When we lose someone we love, the natural elements of grief and loss come into play. It's almost like life throws bricks at us and adults are very good at ducking. Children are less prepared, less able and less capable of understanding why daddy left, or why mommy doesn't love daddy any more. To them, it's a very hard loss, and causes frustration and anger because of their lack of expertise in life matters.

A parent can help a child considerably by showing some form of solidarity that they understand. They need to see harmony between their parents and consistency, and even if the parents do not love each other any more, what the child needs to be told is that none of this will affect the amount that the child is loved. Often children are used as pawns between relationships, and this prolongs the anger. They feel like they are a rag doll being pulled in two directions for affection, and it isn't a healthy or wise way to move forward. The child should always come first, but often doesn't.

Explaining why things are happening doesn't have to be in an adult manner, but the explanation should place no blame on either parent, as the child will naturally feel anger towards one parent in this case scenario, rather than feeling that instead of loss, they have developed a new understanding of what happens in life and why.

REGRET

Many children display anger

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