My ex-husband used to send me email messages with cryptic flirtation - secret language that only he and I would know was sexual.

When we met at a midway point between our cities so that he could pick up the kids, there was always a possibility of the hug that lingered a little too long, the glance that turned into an intense stare, or the comment about my clothes or how *good* I looked. These things made the transition of divorce even more confusing for me.

I was just as guilty as my ex-husband of flirtation. Each time he placed a flirty comment or question out there for me, I took the bait, smiled innocently and responded. I'd always leave settings with him reminiscing about how good we used to be together, rather than remembering that we were in the middle of a divorce.

This kind of splintered exchange tempts you to live in an alternate reality, one where you forget you are no longer husband and wife, and you cling to hope that something might be rekindled between you. In your best mind, you know that if anything develops, it will be temporary and fleeting. It may be one last episode of sex or a stolen kiss, but there will still be the looming fact of your divorce.

My situation with my ex-husband was exacerbated by the fact that he was in a new relationship that was already leading to another marriage. I honestly didn't know how to respond to some of his flirting.

The best thing I cold have ever done was to call him on his comments and back away. Whenever he started to flirt with me, I'd simply ask, "What do you mean by that?" He'd come up with something very fancy and eloquent initially that gave him some plausible deniability, but eventually, he stopped making the comments. I knew that since he never made them in front of his significant other, he, too, realized they were inappropriate.

It took a lot of time and inner work for me to reconcile my feelings for my ex-husband. At one time, he had been the greatest love of my life. I fully expected to grow old with him. When our relationship became strained, and then headed for divorce court, it was easy to start uttering disdain for him. But our connection is far more complex than any one simple emotion.

What I ultimately had to acknowledge was the fact that despite our feuding, I did not hate him a realization that did not come easily or immediately. It took many rituals and lots of letting go. In public, especially around my friends, I clinically declared that my feelings for him

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