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So once we have taught our children their ABC's and 123's what happens when they come to you with their eyes full of tears telling tales of horror about their visit to their displaced parent's house.

The divorce is final and everyone insists on getting on with their lives, the adults that is. This is not an article about children coping with divorce but about how to help your child learn protective behaviors when they are angry, e.g. "step-mom hates me", scared because they don't know where they are going to sleep when visiting dad or mom, and stressed because of continuous changes such as the lack of resources that the other parent has to buy food.

The courts know right from wrong and seem to know best from the biological parents. They have given you custody, however the displaced parent has the dreaded visitations. How do we handle our own tempers along with the rollcoaster of emotions coming from your child?

My list of survival includes:

Be consistant. When your child is returning from "visiting" the other parent, don't start out with stories of all of the exciting things you did over the week-end because you want to make a positive impression, just be as if the child never left. If your child asks how your week-end was say it was relaxing or nice, then prepare dinner as if you never skipped a beat as you would any other night of the week.

Listen, but don't dwell. If your child starts to tell you how terrible of a time they had ask them why and if the event was just dicomfort then don't add to the fire by saying another emotional filled hate about the other parent, attempt to find something in your own childhood that you disliked and just let the child know that you too know how they feel. Don't add to the fire by amplifying the negative feels that are already there, besides it is not the ex that is being hurt it is the child's development being damaged by teaching him or her to feel miserable.

Have fun but don't punish yourself. Make sure to have fun with your child but do not run yourself exhausted or broke trying to over compensate for your family seperation.

He's not alone! Try to think of all of the children that are in the same boat as your child. Get your child to play with other children that are from split families. They will soon find that being in a split family is not unusual and feel better about their self.

Family is a community. Discuss with your child all of the people that loves him or her. They will soon find that they have an abundance of family and friends that do care about them.

Finally, go over safety measures with your child, e.g. dialing 911, what to do when someone is picking on them, talk to adults, tell everyone and anyone if someone is mistreating them it will make them feel better and know that there is something wrong with the person doing it and not them, talk to their teacher and let them know that your child may be having a bad day and will be ok.

Rememeber-most children don't remember everything and most children get scolded now and again. They will not be little forever and you will not beable to be with them all of the time. Give them the training wheels to cope but don't make them a victim of life.

Learn more about this author, Gail Marsh.
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