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Needless to say, communication during the divorce (as well as after) can be quite a challenge, especially if a lack in that department contributed to the breakdown of the marriage to begin with. On the other hand, in some cases people that could not get along when they lived together can actually find it easier to communicate, once they are no longer together.

Communicating with your ex during a divorce can be tricky, and the amount of contact and communication depends if there are children involved or not. If there are no children, contact with your estranged spouse is probably best left to a minimum. There really is nothing that your attorney cannot relate.

This is a most delicate time for both parties involved. If you are the one that initiated the divorce, show respect and let the other person sort out his or her feelings. If you continue calling him or her with minor things, it will just make everything more difficult.

If your spouse is the one that filed for divorce, now is not the time to try to change his or her mind, or try to make your spouse feel that he or she still needs you. Usually the separation already showed that the marriage is over, and trying to make your estranged partner feel sorry for you simply won't work.

If there are children involved, communication during a divorce becomes a whole new ballgame, as now you must somehow find a way to communicate effectively to someone you might not even feel like being civil to. This is especially the case if this partner was unfaithful, or is living with someone. Both of you also need to communicate with your children as well, not just with each other.

You must remind yourself to put the children first, and to not use them to get back at your ex. Unfortunately, that scenario is exactly the most common communication problem during the divorce. If the children are older, they should have some input on the visitation agreements. This may not be common, and people leave it up to the lawyers and courts to decide, but remember: when older children are involved in a divorce, they should not be left out of the communication process.

If the children are younger, they will need to have it explained in age-appropriate terms of what is going on. Remember that children, no matter what age, observe what goes on around them and how you communicate with their absent parent will set the stage for their behavior later on in life.

Surprise visits (showing up at your estranged partner's residence unannounced), especially if he or she is living with someone already, are in bad taste - regardless if there are children involved or not.

Once the divorce is finalized, as time goes by, communicating may get easier, since all parties have more time to heal. However, this generally does not mean to use that fact to try to get your ex back, and all the concepts mentioned still apply.

To summarize, the hardest challenge with communication during a divorce as well as after, is dealing with your own feelings and controlling them. You need to set them aside for a greater good, and to set a good example. No matter how your ex acts (unless it's in a violent or illegal manner), you need to be the bigger person.

Learn more about this author, Alexandra Heep.
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