by Ray Fauteux

Created on: January 13, 2008   Last Updated: March 01, 2009

Seldom does divorce happen in a short period of time. In reality the first seeds of divorce are planted years before the actual legal divorce takes place. Divorce has a way of sneaking up on couples.The first stage usually begins when couples stop talking to each other. Small issues left unresolved soon become major issues that soon spiral out of control.

The initial stage of divorce are often comprised of feelings of discontent and resentment. At first these feelings are vague, but tend to become more pronounced as time passes. Without ever having any discussion about divorce with their spouse a person can consider and fantasize about the "possibility" of divorce in the future.

There may even be some mental plans made for separation, and most likely the feelings of fear, guilt, anger, and depression will begin to surface.

The second stage is usually when a point is reached when those thoughts of separation and divorce are actually verbalized to the spouse. In this stage there might be an attempt at marriage counseling, or a second honeymoon to try and work out differences. This second stage often includes feelings of relief because thoughts are out in the open. However, there is still an emotional roller-coaster of guilt, doubt, and grief. The spouse who was not considering divorce usually begins stage one at this point.

The third stage often takes place about half a year or so before the actual divorce. There is an obvious effort to put some sort of emotional distance by the unhappy spouse who wants the divorce. Most likely if one of the parties has an affair, it will happen in this time frame. It's not unusual for both parties to feel like they are the victims and the other person is wrong.

It's in this stage that the real worry for the family structure and the foreseeable future come to the forefront.

The fourth stage involves less talking and blaming and more action. This is where the couple will normally physically separate. This is the point where one usually goes "public" with the decision and friends, family, and children are told about the upcoming divorce. This is the stage where both parents should be aware of the needs of their children and it may be necessary to do some interacting for the sake of the kids.

Each spouse looks to support and loyalty from friends and family. Often this can become difficult and messy as those closest to you are drawn into the consequences of the divorce. They often are asked to choose sides.

In stage five, both parties have pretty well accepted that their lives are about to change in a big way, and begin to make plans for a new future. There may still be anger, grief, and sadness, but often it can be uplifting to realize that there is a possibility to have another chance at life.

The final stage could be years in the making. Time is the great healer and feelings of anger, blame, and guilt normally fall by the wayside as the parties move on to new roles in their lives.

If a divorce is not adversarial, the healing process can begin much sooner. It's better for both parties and their children if the separation and eventual divorce is not bitter. Ultimately, an adversarial divorce means the possibility of resolving emotional issues becomes very difficult.

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