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Unless one experiences the pain of a divorce themselves, it is difficult to understand. Before my own divorce, I was under the impression that two people decided not to live with each other and went their separate ways. I knew it was hard on the children, but I did not realize how devastatingly painful divorce could be until my husband of 20 years, one day, told me he was leaving.

The reason for leaving was he was not in love with me anymore. He said he loved me as a person,but he no longer wanted to be married to me. I still loved him, but my world was now turned upside down. Hearing words like that from someone you devoted your life to, is heart wrenching. I have never had such heartache like that. I truly thought my heart would break.

Embarrassment and insecurity became my mantra as a newly single woman. It felt like everyone was pointing at me and saying, 'her husband left her, something must be wrong with her'. I felt so ashamed that this person I loved, left me. Was I that horrible a person? I knew I needed help or I would remain in this emotionally unstable state. I began seeking support groups and quickly learned that I was normal and whatever feelings I had were OK - they were my feelings! Furthermore, I had the choice of feeling sorry for myself or choose to move on because I was responsible for my own happiness.

How does one go about healing themselves? Well, do whatever makes you feel good so that you can get past the pain. For example, the first thing I did was join a support group. I joined Parents Without Partners (PWP)and went to their new member meetings. We sat in a large group and shared (only if you want to) various experiences based on the topic for that meeting. Here I became aware that others were walking around with broken hearts too. It helps rid you of that shame and embarrassment - you are not alone in your suffering.

It is time to treat yourself good! Buy yourself flowers, splurge on a new outfit for work or for your next support group meeting. Become more involved in your support group. I offered my home as a meeting place. I used to love entertaining when I was married and this filled that void. Eventually, I became a member of the New Member Committee and helped plan events for the new members of Parents Without Partners.

I enjoyed golfing when I was married and I read that Divorced and Single Catholics went golfing every week. So, I was able to meet new people and enjoy golfing again when I joined this support group. I also joined Singles for Charities and went bird watching on the beach with them. We actually spotted a Snowy Owl and even found its nest...what a great experience that was. Another time we buried Christmas trees on the beach to prevent erosion. I even fell out of a canoe, when it overturned, while cleaning the assorted cans and garbage from the Carmen River in Suffolk County. These were wonderful experiences that I really enjoyed. Happiness was slowly sneaking up on me!

Pretending you're happy with others actually becomes happiness. I don't know how, but it worked for me. When you search for the butterfly of happiness, you can't find it. But when you stay active , help others and seek inner peace, the butterfly of happiness will land right there on your shoulder, when you least expect it - it happened to me, it will happen for you.

Learn more about this author, Mary Ann Neber.
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