JOURNEY TOWARDS MYSELF

This is a chronicle of a journey I did not choose for myself, a quest which in the beginning I would rather have foregone. It is a personal story of learning and achievement and liberating insights that I now regret I waited so long to realize. It will not be the journey of many people in similar circumstances because I am unique and my story is part of me and my life of fifty-five years and all the factors that make me who I am. It is dedicated to my husband Rod who walked beside me for thirty of those years and who has been an encourager and laughter-maker and source of impulsiveness and change that has made our partnership a rich and interesting experience.

My first episode with breast cancer was nearly eleven years ago and since that time I had been free of any signs or symptoms of cancer until tests revealed that my ovary and fallopian tube are cancerous and nodules found in my pelvis are little breast cancers that have spread from the primary tumor. As the surgeon gave me this news I felt almost surreal, as if I were experiencing an out of body' experience. I became two Clare's, one with cancer and the other one looking on in disbelief. My emotions went into overdrive. How could this possibly be happening to me?'

This emotional journey begins when my mentor and medicinal practitioner asked me. Clare what do you really want?' Go away and think about it.' She didn't qualify the question even a little bit. No What do want from the interventions?' From the rest of your life?' From me as your practitioner?' Just What do you want?' And I don't really know yet. But I have some thoughts that will probably change as time goes on and when I have a better idea of what the outcomes of this situation are likely to be.

The surgeon referred me to the public hospital oncology department where all those years ago I had my chemotherapy treatment devised. The appointment was delayed because all the specialists were at a conference. How could they do this to me?' I thought, It's a conspiracy.' I decided that rather than wait and do nothing I would go to see Jamie, my very supportive family doctor. Jamie is one of those precious General Practitioners who listens intently to his patients and consults with compassion, leaving them in ultimate control of their health care decisions, guided by his wise counsel.

So, what do I want at this present moment? Looming large in my mind, obviously, is that I want to be healed completely

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