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This article is more important than you could have possibly realized when you first read the title. Oh, yes. Because I'm going to share with you the greatest discovery Charles Darwin ever made about the female half of the human species, and that is this: that what most take for granted as a silly choice to make while traveling at high speeds, has actually been and always will be in fact the greatest test of survival nature has yet to behold. Gladiators of Rome fought only beast and fellow man, a pathetic attempt to show their strength when they had nothing to worry about other than staying alive. Not so with applying make-up while driving (or AMUWD for short), for barefaced ladies must juggle a myriad of tasks, simultaneously, in order to officially accomplish this Survival of the Fittest Test. The tasks are as follows:

First, as I'm sure you've already observed on your own, women AMUWDing must drive either frighteningly over the speed limit or obnoxiously under it. There is no in between or there is no challenge. The test is no longer valid.

Second, the woman must keep her eyes focused on her own reflection in the rear view mirror for 95% of the duration of the test or it is not officially an AMUWD, but rather a TUWD (touch-up while driving). Darwin made sure to point out the differences between an AMUWD and a TUWD in his book "On the Application of Lipstick by the Means of Natural Looking Makeup". Be sure to pick it up at your nearest bookstore.

Third, the female competitor must change lanes AT LEAST TWICE. I can not stress enough the importance of this step for there are sadly a lot of women not up to standards who would otherwise be weeded from the selection process if it weren't for their neglect of the unexpected-lane-change-while-s till-looking-at-their-reflecti on rule. It's too easy to stay in one lane so that all the other cars, driving carefully around the females vehicle, can merely avoid her altogether by staying in opposing lanes. That's just cheating!

The last challenge is, of course, looking like a star upon arrival at intended destination. Eyeliner must be neat, mascara un-smudged, and blush applied with a gentle hand as to avoid looking clownish. If a co-worker winces when she walks through the door, she has not passed the test. The woman has proven herself to be the weakest female of the species and must see to it that she is removed as quickly as possible. Hey, I don't make the rules. Nature did.

And so, in closing, please do not judge the women you see on a daily basis, holding the steering wheel of her 4x4 with her knees while attempting to line her lips with Autumn Rose. They are simply acting as nature intended, fulfilling their AMUWD destiny, and possibly causing a seven car pile up in the process.

Learn more about this author, Kirstin Ferguson.
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