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Why is it so difficult for people - both in stepfamilies and out - to accept the differences that exist in a stepfamily? The differences don't make us less human or less caring. In fact, it's much easier for everyone involved to get hurt when a stepparent tries to assume a role that has already been taken. We all know intellectually that "the wicked stepmother" is more myth than reality but the stereotype persists, and stepparents still struggle with the nagging idea of being second best or less respectable. What's amazing is how long it takes to accept the role in which we've been cast.

I had two sets of grandparents on my mother's side of the family, and from my own experience, I know that the relationships were different. In 7th grade, when I had to make a Family Tree, I included my grandmother and grandfather; but it never occurred to me to include my step-grandfather or my step-grandmother. I always called my step-grandfather "Grandpa" and I have many happy memories of my step-grandmother, but there just wasn't room on my Family Tree for extra relatives. I didn't know where to put them.

When I became a stepmother I had a chance to look at the Family Tree experience again. Our "daughter" was given a "Family Tree" assignment. At the time, her natural mother was living in Illinois and I was the full-time mother. Although the maternal grandmother doesn't live that far away from where we live, she is a toll call for us. Instead of asking me about my family, our daughter wanted to call her grandmother for information about her maternal side. Because I was unable to accept my role as a stepparent just then, I refused to allow her to make the toll call to her grandmother.

I even called the school and informed the teacher that I didn't like the assignment. From the teacher, I learned that she had included in her instructions the choice for students who had an absent parent to ask a neighbor or a friend for Family Tree information. Our daughter didn't hear that part of the assignment; and, of course, it was more important to her to include her maternal side of the family on her Family Tree. I have a small consolation for not being included on the Family Tree project. It's a school folder that our daughter doodled on during our engagement (she was nine at the time). The doodles include the names of my deceased parents, my brother's name, and my name. The folder will always be very valuable to me.

At any rate, because of my former

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