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Communicating After Divorce

Whether it was a direct cause of your breakup or not, communication problems probably existed in your relationship before the issue of divorce ever reared its ugly head. If you couldn't communicate effectively during the good times, what chance do you have now, when everything has "gone south"?

If you are lucky, especially if your divorce was messy, you won't need to have any further contact with your ex-partner. But when children are involved, if you must remain in contact because of location or business connections, you need to learn how to communicate civilly with your ex-partner. Here are some suggestions:

- Get Rid of the Baggage
Divorce creates baggage - those emotional issues that just seem to follow you around, until you deal with them in a constructive manner. For your sake, and for the benefit of those around you (especially your children), figure out how to dump the baggage. Go to a councilor, find a support group, talk to a minister, write long letters to your ex-spouse and BURN THEM - do whatever it takes to clear your mind so you can communicate civilly.

- Leave Out the Emotion
Even if you get rid of the emotional baggage, your ex-partner may be expert at pushing your buttons and dragging negative emotions back into your interactions. Take a deep breath, remember "this too will pass" and don't rise to the bait - stay calm. Hopefully, if you don't react to their attempts to drag emotions into it, they will give up, and communication will be smoother in the future.

- Find a Mediator
Especially if physical, emotional or verbal abuse was a contributing factor in your divorce, find an impartial mediator to participate in any communications. A mediator can keep you discussions on track, reign things in if either of you gets too emotional or act as a go-between if there is a risk of further abuse.

- Don't Put Your Children in the Middle
Your FIRST responsibility is for the well-being of your children, so there is no excuse for putting them in the position of running messages back and forth or for venting to them about your ex-spouse. Don't communicate your dislike of your ex-partner by trying to color your children's opinion. Unless they are in danger, REAL danger, your children have the right to enjoy the company of both parents.

- Don't Play "Head Games"
You don't appreciate it when your ex-partner starts playing games, so don't be the one to start. Not showing up to meetings on time, changing plans without notice, sending the child support late - there are any number of ways to annoy your partner that will ultimately make your communications difficult. Act like an adult and just do what needs to be done, when expected - don't cause any more problems than you already have.

With a little maturity and a little common sense - and leaving the negative emotions behind - you can communicate effectively with your ex-partner. It may not be easy or comfortable, but it will allow you to both move on to happier lives.

Learn more about this author, Pat Gray.
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